A Letter From Ariel to Elizabeth Holmes Regarding Her Fake Voice


Dear Elizabeth,

I’ve heard a lot about you from my human expert, Scuttle. According to him, you’ve made a whale of things with your blood testing scam. One detail from your story that really stands out to me is that you faked a deep voice in order to impress the men who invested in your company. I have to tell you, it’s strange to not be the only woman out there who unnecessarily changed her voice for a man!

I’m interested in your technique; did you use a snorflatt? Scuttle told me they can cause deeper voices and even… what’s that word again? Oh, cancer. I, on the other hand, made a bargain with a sea witch, putting myself and my entire kingdom in danger. But hey, everyone’s different, right? I am the queen of changing yourself for a man, so you encroaching on my territory is… strange.

You deepened your voice so you wouldn’t annoy men with your vocal fry, and I gave up my voice for legs in order to get a prince. Bit of a coincidence, huh? Except I did it over 10 years before you did, and you kind of took my schtick. Unnecessarily changing your voice for a man is the foundation of my career. It would have been nice if you had given me some credit, but no, you took it all for yourself.

Really, all you had to do was drop a “Shout out to my inspiration, Ariel,”. It’s not that hard, Elizabeth. The more I read about you (yes, I can read human now), the more I see your lies and deception. Now it all makes sense. You wanted people to see you as a genius, but also as someone willing to do anything in order to get what you want. I have to laugh.

All you did was a half-ass imitation of a 12-year-old boy pretending to be a man. I had to give up MY VOICE, as in NOT SPEAK OR SING in order to catch Prince Eric’s attention. I made a sexy dress out of SAILS! I even had Sebastian and my other sea friends stage an elaborate song and dance number to get him to kiss me! And still, it took over three days for him to finally fucking do it. So please, sit down and listen to a grown-ass woman who gave up any semblance of a personality for a floppy-haired man who plays the flute.

What did you even do this for? Money? Fame? I gave up my voice FOR LOVE. Sure, Eric and I hardly knew each other, and he had to almost drown for us to meet, but it was LOVE, TRUE LOVE. And yes, maybe he didn’t remember me when I became a human because he only knew me from my voice. However, I was 16, an age where a girl is more than qualified to know that love is when a prince finds you hot, even if you have a tail.

Stay out of the voice game, it’s my domain. I’m a teen bride who may not have any higher education, but I do have a castle in Florida. So, who’s the real genius here?

Now your family’s trying to push your lies. Elizabeth, give it up, and give me some goddamn credit.

Eat a dinglehopper,

Ariel, Princess of Atlantica

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