By Jennifer Kim

Dear Mr. Gun,

First of all, you are my favorite gun. (Don’t tell the others!!) I think you are my favorite because you are the most expensive and the biggest and made of solid gold, which I had to pay extra for with all the money I’ve embezzled from my Cancer company – that is a company I created to promote Cancer and the spread of it, because why not.

But mainly, you are my favorite because you’ve been up my butthole the most times. And I only do that with guns that I really trust.

I know a lot of crazy things are happening in this twisted world today. There are a lot of franchise movies with women in them and also a lot of kids who are dying from guns. But that is because they are small and stupid and they do not know how to use guns. If only my “Teach Toddlers How to Shoot Guns Hard” curriculum would be incorporated into all elementary school systems. We would not be having this problem.

Another wacko thing that is happening right now is that we might have to start paying taxes soon, which is unfair because I have a lot of money and I would like to keep it that way! Also, it’s bad timing since I just submitted my plans for a complete home makeover where I add a third bedroom made entirely of broken Dom Perignon bottles and replace my entire water system with the tears of Mother Teresa’s great, great, great granddaughter – which we got by kidnapping her and keeping her hostage in my basement and then forcing her to cut a large bucket of onions with a Swiss Army Knife while I slap her in the face with my wang. It is very effective but also a lot of work and now if I cannot afford my renovation, it will all have been in vain!

But don’t worry, if someone comes to our fortress and tries to force me to pay taxes or tries to arrest me for “never having paid a single tax in my life,” I will shoot him or his clan – which is made of all men because women would not be able to walk to my house since they are so busy keeping house in their house and hiding their legs under their long skirts.

Plan B if the above plan does not work (fat chance!) is that I have hidden a lot of money also in “offshore accounts.” Which is that thing where I took a huge bag of money and found the nearest “shore” and then threw all the money into the ocean where the fish will keep it safe.

So do not worry because I have everything under control and that is the feeling that I crave most in the world, even if it is over the literal dead bodies of hundreds and thousands of innocent people. That and also the feeling when I wipe my ass with Benjamins.

I love you Mr. Gun. More than my own children, Charlotte and Tabitha. The numerous nights we have spent together where I fondle you a ton and push you up my rectum until, only I, reach Nirvana have been the best nights of my life. When I pretend you are my penis and I shoot a bunch of blanks out at my sleeping wife, I have never felt more like a man.

I wanted to let you know how I felt because especially in times like these, I need you to know that you mean the world to me and I will keep you safe no matter what.

I’ll see you later tonight for our 15 year anniversary, when I will legally marry you in the State of California.

Love,

Man that loves guns in the NRA. Go guns!!