All my life, I’ve been known as just a “trust fund baby,” but I’m here to tell you that I’m more than just my trust fund, and I think it’s time you started acting like it.
Keeping track of half a million dollars isn’t that easy, you know. Do you know how many different PIN numbers I had to make after I found out my dad kept stealing money from my account? I don’t have time to be sitting around thinking of new passwords; my flight to Bali leaves in like an hour.
I think the biggest issue I’d like to address is how people always tell me that I don’t know what’s it’s like to work, which isn’t fair. In high school, my mom made me get a job at Wendy’s for a day as punishment for sneaking out of rehab. And despite what you might think, no one at Wendy’s has any coke.
And for your information, I’m actually planning on getting a job soon. I need something to do until my friends’ tax evasion sentences are up. I was thinking something along the lines of receptionist. The girls made it look so fun on Mad Men. Plus, I look amazing in a pencil skirt.
I’ve also been accused of being out of touch with reality. I’m sorry for the one time I freaked out when I had to take my dog for a walk while my dog walker was “going through a divorce,” and “needed a few days off.” I’ve gone through two divorces and I still have the energy to do Molly twice a week, so I don’t really see what her problem was.
I went to Shanghai after I quit Wendy’s for a much-needed vacation, and all I heard was how I needed to “check my privilege.” Asia was literally invented for people to visit. If you don’t go for at least six months, what’s the point of it even being a country?
And everybody loves to tell me that I should be using my wealth to help others who aren’t as fortunate. Well guess what? I have. There was that time I accidentally volunteered at the homeless shelter when I thought everyone was lining up for the iPhone X.
I was even thinking of possibly giving the idea of volunteering more thought. I saw a tweet about the victims of the California wildfires, and I think I could help out if I’m not busy that day.
After hearing my side and the daily struggles I endure, I really hope I’ve convinced you that I’m more than just money in the bank.
There’s also the extra $200,000 my grandfather has buried underground.