Yelp Reviews For My Exes

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Aaron: 2 stars

We met at summer camp in the early 2000’s. You held my hand at the bonfire and told your friends afterward that I gave you a hand job in the counselor’s Wigwam tent. Fabricated, egged-on by our social circles, and mostly from afar, we were an item for the better part of a week. In many ways, you were my first love, if, it is in fact possible, to love someone who perpetually has a cherry popsicle ring around his mouth. Needless to say, it did not last.

Michael: 3 stars

You asked me out in line for Splash Mountain on the freshman-year chorus trip. We kissed in the parking lot after Glee club until my mom came to pick me up in her Honda Pilot. Your eyes were always open, which, in retrospect, was weird. I saw on Facebook that you came out as gay after joining the theater ensemble at The New School last year. I don’t regret what we shared (namely saliva, exquisite button-up shirts, and mono) but I do regret riding Splash Mountain that time. I hate heights.  

Chris: 1 star

I lost my virginity to you in a Wendy’s parking lot after improv 301 rehearsal. Like every scene you did in class, you missed your cue and came on early. And, like every improv scene I’d go on to do afterward, I’d have better partners.  

Ryan: 4 stars

Spanish class in college. We listened to Regina Spektor in my dorm room and talked about moving to New York together to pursue acting after school. I should’ve known both from your role playing Sweeney Todd during mainstage and your highly developed collection of suede loafers that it wouldn’t work out between us. In many ways, Ryan, we were just too similar. Both in our shared love of the Broadway musical Cats, and in our ongoing attraction to gay men. I wonder if Michael’s still single…

Caleb: 0 stars

You asked for my number at an open mic in a dive bar, offering to give me some “pointers.” While you never followed through on your offer, you did give me great content for future sets and a two-week chlamydia scare. Would not recommend to others. 

Bradley: 4.5 stars

You were nice enough, but your dog, Daisy, was the real MVP. You asked me to move in with you after 6 weeks, and, in the end, it saved me a lot of time on my work commute and a lot of rent money in Chelsea. I broke up with you as soon as I could afford my own studio apartment, but I still text you asking for photos of Daisy when I get lonely. 

Me: 4 stars

A Buddhist monk I once met at an Elements Massage Spa told me that the greatest loves of our lives are often ourselves. You and I have been off-and-on for years, but I’ll always appreciate your sense of humor throughout the whole thing. You’ve seen me through my highs, my lows, and even that one time I accidentally did meth. Technically this one is cheating because we’re still together. And, for the most part, I’m okay with that. 

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