Baby Shower Gifts That’ll Tell Jill She’s Ruining Her Fucking Life

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You and Jill have been BFFs since college. She was there when you stayed up all night studying, when Adam dumped you for that whore in biology, and when you needed someone to convince the bouncer that your fake ID was totally you. But now, she and Landon are expecting their first child, and you couldn’t be more upset. You don’t care if she’s 32 and “ready to have a family.” She’s being totally selfish. She’s acting like bringing new life into the world is more important than your friendship and the Adderall you snagged for Wednesday night.

You want to be supportive of your best friend, but you wish she were getting something less permanent, like hair extensions or a spray tan.

To show her what she’ll be missing out on, here are a few baby shower gift ideas that’ll tell Jill she’s ruining her fucking life:

A beer bong monogrammed with the baby’s initials

Practical and sentimental, this monogrammed beer bong would make a great statement piece for baby’s nursery. When Jill barks at you because she “can’t drink since she’s breastfeeding,” inform her that the beer bong isn’t just for inhaling 18 cans of Schlitz like it was the night before parents’ weekend, sophomore year. She can use it to bong iced coffee, which will keep her hydrated and alert when baby wakes up screaming every hour on the hour for the first six months.

A baby book filled with pictures of her and that male stripper, Hot Steve

Landon’s a great guy, but he’s no Hot Steve. Sure, Landon has a financially-stable job, but Hot Steve has a meat thong and two pierced nipples. Use this baby book to commemorate Jill and Hot Steve’s best moments, like Jill’s first lap dance, or when they perfected the spread eagle in the VIP room. Just make sure to leave a few pages for all of baby’s important firsts, like her first words, and the first time her incessant crying forces Jill to question her abilities as a mother!

A strobe light night light

This high-powered strobe light night light will take Jill back to that nightclub where you thought you met identical twins named Ash, but it turned out they were the same guy and you both were just too fucked up on molly to notice. This night light is perfect for keeping baby’s nightmares at bay, and the strobing effect helps keep Jill’s spirit alive while she’s breast pumping at 4 a.m.

A messenger-style diaper bag covered in remnants from last night’s coke

This 14-pocket, Fisher-Price messenger diaper bag is perfect for holding all of baby’s needs. And the cocaine residue is perfect for reminding Jill that having a family doesn’t erase the fact that she still has her dealer’s number in her phone.

Two tickets to Bonnaroo, which is the same day as her due date

Bummer! Jill will be in labor during Bonnaroo? Man, that sucks. You had no idea when you bought the tickets, even after she joked, “Bonnaroo is the same weekend as my due date. I bet the baby would’ve loved Future, haha.” When she declines the invitation, tell her the tickets are non-refundable, so it looks like you’ll have to take Hot Steve instead.

And finally, a giraffe onesie with Plan B inside

This hooded onesie will keep baby nice and warm after a bath, and the Plan B will keep Jill from ever pulling this shit again. Plus, Jill loves giraffes! Tell her that the onesie fits up to 3 months old, and you’ll be happy to replace the Plan B if she needs more. After all, that’s what best friends are for.

If Jill gets upset by your gift, reassure her that it’s all in good fun, which is something she won’t be having for a long, long time.

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