Nobody Does ‘Facebook Official’ Anymore But I Need Everyone To Know I’m Getting Laid

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I don’t know what to do. I’m seeing someone and it’s going really well, but there’s a serious problem: nobody marks themselves as “in a relationship” on Facebook anymore so I have no way of telling people I’m having sex.

Is there some new, equally classy way to show the world that I’m consistently doing it? Nobody randomly tweets relationship announcements. I suppose I could post a suggestive Instagram of us that wouldn’t explicitly say we’re a couple, but it would still be sexy enough for my followers to understand the subtext. The caption could even include the side-eye, smirking face emoji that all my followers will know just stands for “We’re banging. A lot.”

I admit, I briefly considered making it “Facebook Official” anyway. I know only baby boomers and seniors still use Facebook, but for a moment I thought it might be worth it. A buddy’s mom who friended me for some reason would see my post, she’d tell her son, and then he would tell everyone that I’m getting laid. There would be a buzz about my sex life, although it wouldn’t exactly be as cool as Facebook in 2010, when I would’ve gotten dozens of comments saying things like “YES,” “I knew it lol,” or “cutest couple alert!!!” Now, I would only get notifications from distant relatives I’ve met twice, exclaiming they “can’t wait to meet the lucky lady!” at the next family wedding in 18 months, or an old elementary school teacher who searched me out online and can’t believe what a handsome young man I’ve become.

So I decided against it; updating your relationship status on Facebook in 2019 for anything less than getting engaged just reeks of desperation. I might as well post a relationship update on LinkedIn, where I would at least be guaranteed a few likes from people I never liked in high school, former co-workers I forgot existed, and a job recruiter from a private equity firm in Boston.

I’m probably jumping the gun, anyway. We haven’t talked about “what we are” yet and for all I  know she doesn’t actually consider this a relationship. Facebook, though, would have easily solved that problem. If we weren’t sure what we had was serious, we could still post that we were “in an open relationship,” or even “it’s complicated” to brag the world about not being so lonely at night.

Maybe this isn’t worth the stress and I should just relax. But what’s the point of forging a profound, romantic connection with someone if the entire internet can’t see that I’m having orgasms regularly — and that they’re not self-induced anymore? Well, not every time, at least.  

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