Stuff He Says When He’s Amazing in Bed But Can’t Write a Resume Worth a Damn

man in floral collared shirt
Photo by Ana Francisconi on

Hey babe, are CV and resume the same thing? Whatever, time to eat your ass!

Special SKILLS?? I don’t know… Does cunnilingus count?

I promise to move out of my dad’s house when I turn 30!  Isn’t it enough for you that I look you in the eye when we’re in missionary??

I spent a few summers at Cracker Barrel, how’s that for experience, Goldman BALLsachs! No! You NEVER need to fondle my balls. Our lovemaking is about you baby.

Can you get this check? Happy birthday by the way. Shall I go down on you?

Is it spelled Microsoft Office Sweet? Speaking of sweet, let’s talk about your pussy.

I can’t put my number on my resume because I don’t have a phone! I’m in the moment when I bang you hello???

Can I use you as a reference? I work for you in a way. Orgasm city!

Can I use my mom as a reference? We have different last names. Forget my mom, I’m inside you!

What is a bullet point? I’d like to please you until you climax.

Can I list school of hard knocks as my college? I love kissing you while you climax.

Should I italicize my name? Wanna make out after your climax?

Can I list the fact that I’m jacked on there? I don’t care if I climax.

Am I a personal trainer if I spot my bros at the gym? Finishing doesn’t matter to me.

Should I use a large font? My penis is large.

Is it okay if the resume is 5 pages long? My penis is long.

Can I just hand in a picture of my dick?




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