Sample Tinder Bios for The Mueller Report

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Tall, handsome, and redacted.

This picture clearly makes me look better than I do in person, but you likely will never see me in person so no harm no foul.

If you like the man that I am, then you can thank my father. If you hate my father, then you’re the reason he has a constant security detail.

I don’t always make public appearances, but when I do, I don’t.

My age, details of what I do for a living, and where I live are all redacted.

Let’s not talk about politics! No matter your political leanings I will likely disappoint you.

Project whatever fantasies onto me that you want. No, really, it’s fine. I’m used to it.

Robert Jr. Few months old. Not to be confused with Robert Dowey Jr. who [redacted] in Avengers: Endgame.

Cool with dating women with children. Proud child of a single parent.

Tired of emotionally unavailable men? Look no further! I’m physically unavailable!

Can get you all the FBI loungewear you want.

Huge fan of Whitney Houston’s music. Favorite song is “I Have Nothing.”

Might want to slide into my messages quickly. Lots of people fighting over me already.

Be nice to me or my daddy will throw you in jail.

R e d a c t e d

My birth caused a bigger media frenzy than the royal baby’s.

Member of the few, the proud, the things Tucker Carlson thinks are conspiracies.

I will go down in history even if the sex doesn’t.

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