Welcome! I’m so glad we finally broke the just friends at the office seal and decided to do dinner. So come on in! Pardon the mess. We just launched our life hacks vlog so these days our kitchen is less for baking from scratch and more for baking from trash. What do we hack? Well, anything really. Vinegar doodles, two-liter husks, banana swabs. If it has a well-established functional use, we’ll throw that out the door and find a new a way to hacks-imize.
Oh, thank you for bringing your shredder bin! This paper will be perfect for a set of DIY napkins. We’ll mash the shreds with my immersion blender and use the neighbor’s old window screens for the molds. I call it “Pulp Friction”.
Here, let me hang up your coat. Tom built the coat rack using a lacrosse stick and some upcycled syringes. He’s a real Harack Obama. We’ll just have to figure out what to do when Benji’s lacrosse season starts back up.
The vlog — I’ve been calling it The Immortal Life of Henrietta’s Hacks! — has really been a lifelong dream of ours. On our first date, my purse strap broke and Tom fixed it with his belt and then I made him a belt with my broken purse strap. I knew then that he was the bread to my butter-kerosene eczema salve.
How about we crack open this Malbec? We might as well get this on record. Honey! Grab the camera. Are we rolling? Great, now pass me the lawn shears.
I’m so sorry about that stain. I swear on Benji’s life by my lawn shears uncorking technique. Just last week we opened the Pinot my uncle Jack brought us from Napa. We even did a vlog segment: “Shear Terroir.”
But let’s clean up your dress. I depend on vodka and athlete’s foot powder for my laundry woes. Funny. It seems to not work on crushed velvet. Sorry about that. Well, at least we didn’t spill all the wine! Cheers!
These goblets are from Hack’s 5th Avenue. Kidding! They were my grandmother’s. Well, they were her shoes. I repurposed the heels for the stems and shellacked the toe cups. She had bunions, so they accommodate a generous pour. Babe, want to see how the potatoes are roasting on the Pathfinder engine?
All of this hacking has me famished. Let’s have some apps. The deviled eggs were boiled in our aqua jet foot massager. You can even use it on your feet at the same time. Talk about two birds, one hot-stone massage.
There goes the fire alarm. You know what that means. Dinner time! Judging by the engine exhaust, those potatoes are roasty. Would you mind turning the Mountain Dew can towards the kitchen? I can’t hear the Bosstones.
It took us a few times to get the blowtorch angled to cook the chicken skin evenly, but I think we’ve finally figured it out. Did you know you can soak a maxi pad in Mr. Pibb to soothe a second-degree burn? Why yes, that is menthol on the broccoli. We steamed it in Benji’s humidifier. Now how about I get the baked beans out of the carafe and I’ll brew a fresh pot of joe. How do you take your coffee? Cream and sugar? Or bl-hack?
We like to think of hacking as a way of life. It’s doing more, with mess. Sure, there are bumps, disgust, chemical burns. But for every wound, there’s tangerine twine, corn charms and popcorn pillows, beeswax bonnets and bean tin nunchucks. I may sound like a broken record, but just wait and see what I can do with one.
Now please, take some leftovers. I used all the saran wrap snow-proofing Benji’s tevas, so I’ll repurpose these Doritos bags. Just let me get my blow dryer from the office.