How Meditation Helps Me Crush My Enemies

Photo by Samuel Silitonga on

I was just your average tech CEO before I went on a week-long retreat to Myanmar and discovered the power of meditation. I found my work fulfilling, but I didn’t know I could bring the same aggressive tech-bro energy to my spiritual wellbeing as well.

Meditation is the ancient Buddhist art of making your brain your little bitch.

At the retreat, I first learned the importance of fasting. Think of your body as a team of workers in a warehouse. Productivity is maximized when there are no distractions – especially eating.

 After I starved my body into submission, we started to work on actually meditating. Meditation is best done in a dark cave with a lot of bugs that bite you. I did not pay attention to the teachers, but I learned the entire practice is about torturing your body and seeing how long you can stand the leg cramps. Remember those Bug on a Wire games? That’s meditation, baby.

I got the hang of it quickly. By day two I was already wailing on my brain with a mental baseball bat. I kept track of my high scores on my Apple Watch, then used machine learning to extrapolate where I could be in a month. This was discouraged.  

I had such success with meditation, that I’ve pursued other paths of self-discipline and spirituality. All of these practices have helped crush my competition and build the most dominant company the sharing economy has ever seen.

Through meditation, I learned that all things are one with the world and there is a deep universal love amongst all living beings. This inspired me to offshore my core workforce to a network of unincorporated Siberian townships without labor laws.

Without my reiki healer, I would never have found the mental strength to create the world’s first rental scooter service for white nationalists. I don’t know where the world would be without Hawk-Scoot.

I’m also very careful of where I get my energy. I don’t eat meat, I don’t drink coffee, I do snap the neck of a captive songbird every morning. Why consume food that damages the environment when you can kidnap poor people and use them as a battery á la Matrix?

I want to share my knowledge. If you’re interested in learning more, then contact Jack’s Camp for Waterboarding Your Piece-of-Shit Brain today!

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