It’s you, in person, at the open mic! Don’t mind me as I stare at you longingly in the corner. Just keep slinging those bits, you comedy heartthrob you.

When I first started listening to your podcast about being a comic trying to make it in the big city, I thought, wow, what a unique concept! And, damn, what a great voice. Your timbre is, let’s face it, HYPNOTIC.

Oh my God. You’re getting off stage. Should I say hello?

NO. You’re basically a radio celebrity. I’m too starstruck!

Sometimes, when I listen to your amateur comedy podcast,  I pretend that you’re actually in my bathroom, talking to me.

Oh right, I forgot to mention.

I only listen to your podcast while soaking in the bath. That’s right. You’ve become part of my nightly relaxation routine. Lavendar candles, epsom salts, bed bath and beyond bubble bath, a face mask, and instead of music…your voice in the corner. Oh plus the voices of your guests (other open micers).

Is it weird that I try to time my entrance into the bath to sync up to your garageband intro?

Is it weird that I respond to some of your questions out loud as if I’m the podcast guest?

Is it weird that I listened to your episode on how you love Joe Rogan three times?

Is it weird that I think we’re dating?

Oh my God. You’re literally standing right next to me. At the open mic!

Thank goodness soundcloud keeps listeners anonymous so you can’t tell how many episodes I’ve listened to on repeat.

“Excuse me,” you say, as you lightly push me out of the way.

I can’t believe you touched me.

Speak to you? I couldn’t possibly!

Until tonight my love, when I draw a bath and loofah myself to your questionable opinions on Louie.