(Most of) The 2020 Democratic Presidential Candidates As Ice Cream Truck Treats

Photo by Aaron Schwartz on Pexels.com

Joe Biden: Red, White & Blue Firecracker

These are never ordered by kids or whoever is eating the ice cream. Firecrackers are ordered by babysitting grandparents who grew up loving Firecrackers and think they know what’s best. The truck freezer came with these pre-stocked, and despite multiple efforts to get rid of them, they’ve always found a way back.

Cory Booker: Birthday Cake Sandwich

This big, goofy treat is as corny as your uncle whose favorite movie is 50 First Dates. Every once in a while, you pity it because very few people order it, but then you remember how awful it tastes and no longer feel so bad.

Pete Buttigieg: Spongebob Squarepants Popsicle

A relative newcomer who’s already overstayed their welcome. Good marketing and packaging make it look nice and tidy on the outside, but the second you unwrap it the eyes pop right off. The flavor can only be described as “yellow-ish.”

Julián Castro: Snickers Ice Cream Bar

It’s difficult sharing the spotlight with the original Snickers bar, so in that regard, the Snickers Ice Cream Bar is a bit of an underdog. Naturally, it’s compared to the original but is determined to prove that it brings something new to the table. The “something new” is whatever polls best in Florida and Ohio.

Bill De Blasio: Fudge Bar

The fudge bar is an oddball. It’s incredibly dense for ice cream and promises to do exactly one thing: taste like fudge. It does not do a very good job at tasting like fudge.

Tulsi Gabbard: Choco Taco

This treat can’t decide whether it’s a dessert or a taco and doesn’t understand why it can’t be both. In reality, it’s pure chaos that’s more expensive than an actual taco.

Kirsten Gillibrand: Jolly Rancher Popsicle

The Jolly Rancher Popsicle is what happens when a treat forgets that their job is to appeal to customers and not to other treats. As a result, it incorporates a dozen flavors into one treat and tastes like watered-down Kool-Aid that’s been sitting in the sun for too long.

Kamala Harris: Vanilla Soft Serve

What makes soft serve so unique isn’t its texture. It’s the toppings. The toppings make soft serve stay relevant and adapt to the times but because of this, the end product largely depends on the customer. The wealthier customers afford the best toppings and reap the benefits of soft serve’s blank canvas, while those who can’t are sent straight to prison.

Amy Klobuchar: Orange Dream Bar

A favorite of the hard candy crowd. It’s scary that they still sell these and even scarier that people order them.

Beto O’Rourke: Big Vanilla Sandwich

If you had a choice between a muddy Cheez-It or a Big Vanilla Sandwich, you’d go with the sandwich, but would you get a Big Vanilla Sandwich if you had literally any other option? Didn’t think so.

Bernie Sanders: Vanilla Crunch Bar

A classic treat that tells you exactly what you’re gonna get. It’s a bit old school, but after one bite you’ll be transported to a hot summer day in Brooklyn, playing in fire hydrants to cool down. That’s until the chocolate shell breaks off and you’re left with melting vanilla ice cream on a stick.

Elizabeth Warren: Original Vanilla Drumstick

The fudge-filled waffle cone is the most structure you’ll see from any option. Its design is incredibly well thought out and made specifically for hot temperatures—something all the other treats surprisingly lack. Appeals to both chocolate and vanilla lovers, but because of its practicality, it’s oft overlooked. Similar to the Vanilla Crunch in many ways, but with a lot less mess.

Andrew Yang: Jolly Rancher Push Pop

If you enjoy pediatrician office candy, the Tron (1982) color palette, and debating technofascism but sympathizing with the machines, this is for you. With three fruit-inspired flavors—cherry, watermelon, green apple—it ignores the best Jolly Rancher flavors—grape and blue raspberry—and expects you to deal with it. You will feel sticky for hours after you’re done.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s