I don’t want to scare you away, but I have magic powers. When I open a beer, the women around me lose 20 pounds and don bathing suits. It was fun when I was younger, but when my wife and I went hiking in the mountains, it became clear the gift was really a curse.
I didn’t know it worked with wine coolers.
She died of exposure, and now I’m trying to put my life back together.
I love Red Team!
Fuck Blue Team!
Got a car that needs fixin’? I’m your man. Got some bathroom tile that needs installin’? I’m your man. Got a barn that needs a-raisin’? I’m your man.
But I got me some floors that need cleaning and for the life of me I can’t figure out how to use a vacuum cleaner or mop. Which one uses water?
Please help. Since my wife left me, I’ve been living in filth.
I want to be honest up front: I have children. But, I’m sure you’ll love them. You’ve never seen kids with such wild imaginations. Their new favorite game to play is pirates and they are really good at it — especially now that they’ve got scurvy.
Did you know that kids who eat nothing but microwaved hotdogs and Apple Jacks cereal can get scurvy? Crazy, right? But they like it OK. Their arms bend right around you for the best hugs ever!
You might be wondering why I wasn’t wearing a shirt in any of my pictures. It’s because I don’t wear shirts. Ever. Sometimes I’ll stretch up as if I’m about to wear a shirt, but it’s a ruse. What I’m really doing is stretching out my abdominal muscles so they make that nice V that plunges into my waistband. You know the V I’m talking about? That abdominal V? Well, it’s not the only V I’m interested in, and we don’t need shirts for that.