In the age of Tinder, it may seem as though there is nowhere left to meet a potential beau in person. But, fear not ladies! One sacred place remains where singles merge in their primitive lust, seeking the scent of their potential mate. That’s right! It’s your local gym. If you’re looking to meet that special guy, check out these tips on how to snag yourself one hunk of a man.
1. Ensure your hair looks coiffed and styled — if you can’t be bothered to spend 30 minutes creating the perfect ponytail before you walk out onto the gym floor, you may as well advertise to the world that you are just fine dying a soulless lonely death by the ancient age of 35.
2. Go tankless and show off your $875 Lulu Lemon exercise bra — every woman should wear the best quality underwear that she cannot afford. And the color should preferably be pink. With lace and ruffles. And sheer. With a strategic and subtle hole cut out right at the nipple for quick and easy suppling access. Stand still in a strategic corner for best viewing.
3. Do. Not. Sweat. The gym is no place for this. It just makes you look disgusting.
4. Stumble when you walk into the free-weight section. Wear a band-aid, an ankle brace, or just come in with a full-body plaster cast, people always ask what happened. Men like a girl in distress.
5. If you spot a cute guy on the cardio machine, make sure to get on the machine right next to him. Especially if the gym is empty. Men love when you encroach on their personal space, it shows your comfort in close-knit spaces. In fact, just get on the same treadmill as him. Hold his hand. Show him what it’s like walking hand-in-hand with his soon-to-be wife!
6. Wear appropriate gear to show off your know-how, a man likes a smart woman who dresses for the occasion. Only an idiot would dare to do a HITT workout without your activity tracker, heart rate monitor, the Nadi X yoga pants that provide vibrational feedback on your form, an oxygen mask, inflatable arm bands that provide feedback on how far your arm is from your body, and a satellite head piece so aliens can locate you in space.
7. Wear high-heels, they’re sexier!
8. Crawl under him while he does his squats. Tell him you’re there for a tea party. Pull out a tray of loose leaf Chai and pour him a cup, toasting to “us.”
9. Show him your leisure side. Scale and clean a fish while he does his bench press. Build a fire on which to cook said fish. Serve it to him on his mother’s finest China. Do not eat it yourself- men hate girls who eat.
10. Guys don’t like a girl stronger than him. Slice your chest cavity down the center, removing your heart. Tell him that you don’t need any muscles, just him. Remove your tongue as well — it is the strongest muscle in the body. Be feminine. That’s how guys like it.