Cuddlr: The Dating App for Straight Men

It’s LGBT Pride Month, but three guys in Boston want a permit for a ‘Straight Pride’ Parade – The Washington Post

Photo by Thomas Ronveaux on

Do you find it difficult to find other straight bros to spend quality bro time with? Are you appalled by the fact that there’s a whole app for homosexual men to find other homosexuals, but there isn’t one for you? Break those chains of oppression with Cuddlr, the dating app exclusively for straight men!

From the men who brought you the Boston ‘Straight Pride’ Parade, Cuddlr is the first dating app specifically designed with the modern, cis, straight male in mind. With Cuddlr, you can cut through the noise of the online dating scene and discover other heterosexual men hoping to spend time with men like you. Out at the club and want to throw back a couple brewskis with a new broski? Boom, Cuddlr is there! Need a dance with a little bit of bromance? Kaplow, Cuddlr to the rescue! Want to get out of your bubble and let your skin feel another man’s stubble? Zoinks, Cuddlr will find you that ideal cuddle buddy!

Cuddlr is the only haven for that sweet hetero-to-hetero male bonding you’ve been lacking. Our crack team of software engineers has invented a foolproof algorithm for finding you the perfect man (or men) to break the cycle of loneliness in your life in a totally straight, good-old-American, as-God-intended way. In the past, you may have thought to yourself – “It’s not fair that some gay men get to find lifelong partners with whom they share an everlasting bond that can only be forged by confronting shared adversity head-on.” Well, despair no more! With Cuddlr, you can find your own absolutely platonic male life partner with whom to settle down and start a family.

For a mere $1.99/month, you will be added to Cuddlr’s exclusive network of heterosexual men who crave the company of other heterosexual men. After answering our patented twenty-point heterosexuality questionnaire, you will be expertly matched with other men who complement your attributes perfectly. If you want to find a fit, active dude who is comfortable enough with his own masculinity to rub lotion on your back at the beach, you can find him. If you need a comrade whose thick and soft chest hair will keep you warm on those tiring winter days of kickin’ ass and takin’ names, he’s here. If your perfect partner is a stone cold bosom buddy to wrestle with all night long, we’ll locate him for you. The price of a subscription is nothing compared to the rage and indignity you will feel when you realize that gay men already have all this and so much more. With Cuddlr, you can have all the love and support the homosexuals have been hogging without compromising your previously ingrained set of social norms.

If you don’t believe us, let’s hear from some of Cuddlr’s satisfied customers!

  • “I watched the Gay Pride Parade and saw how happy all those men looked. It made me angry to my core. I wanted to be that happy. I deserved to be that happy. I just didn’t know what was missing from my life. Then I found Cuddlr. I matched with over 20 men, and I’ve got three new bro-hangs just this week! One of them is even taking me to the fancy hotel downtown for a weekend couples spa package and two-night stay in their Love Suite. It’s so wonderful to finally have such intimate relationships with other straight men!” – Josh M., 25, Worcester, MA
  • “I have to admit, I was skeptical of Cuddlr at first. Would it really be possible to find myself a straight man who enjoyed the way another man’s lips felt after a long day of bro-ing out and scoring chicks? I can now say with 100% certainty that yes, it is possible. We’re having so much fun we don’t even try to score chicks anymore! We’re just so happy in each others’ company.” George P., 57, Swampscott, MA
  • Cuddlr helped me find the life partner of my dreams. I finally have a male companion who can penetrate me sexually in the way I most prefer. At the same time, I take great comfort in the fact that everything we do is completely above board because we’re just two dudes hangin’ out who met on a dating app for straight men. Thanks Cuddlr!” – Toby Q., 37, Southie

As a straight man, you no longer have to feel marginalized by homosexual men. You too can find the man of your dreams. You too can one day march through the streets, surrounded by other men, and proclaim to all the world, “I’m straight, I’m proud, and this is my partner Steve (who is also straight)!” Subscribe to the Cuddlr app today.

One comment

  1. As somebody who just discovered the app as they were shutting down – i don’t get it. Taking the mickey out of heteronormativity is fun, but the app wasn’t for men or straight people specifically. And I think there’s certainly a market for apps connecting people for activities besides sex, even if Cuddlr/Spoonr didn’t find it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s