The 13 Top Candidates to Replace Theresa May

Photo by Oleg Magni on

After failing to unite her party over her Brexit deal, U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May announced her plans to resign last week. Now the Conservatives will select a successor to throw under the double-decker bus, and we have the scoop on all the leading candidates!

Claire Foy

Asking the actual queen to serve as Prime Minister would surely violate the Magna Carta, but there’s no prohibition on an Emmy-award-winner playing the Queen while presiding over the equally cinematic implosion of a once-great nation. (Plus instead of watching Brexit in real-time you could just binge the whole thing on Netflix!)

Mary Poppins

They say a spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down, but we’re pretty sure that’s a euphemism for cocaine. Thankfully nothing unites a divided party like someone rolling up with a shitload of coke.

David Cameron

While the former Prime Minister resigned after losing his Brexit referendum in 2016, insiders say he might be open to returning to job if hog-tied, kidnapped, and handcuffed to a lectern in the House of Commons.

John Oliver

This controversial pick would have the added benefit of cramming all parliamentary debates into a tight 30-minute session that airs Sundays after whatever replaced Game of Thrones (which appears to be an hour of Lin-Manuel Miranda modeling a sweet bomber jacket).

Lin-Manuel Miranda

Come to think of it, the creator of Hamilton would probably make Brexit super relatable and easy to understand (until your roommate blasts the soundtrack nonstop for six months and you decide to kill her in her sleep).

Your Racist Uncle

We’re not sure how the entire Conservative Party first became aware of your uncle in Peoria, Illinois, but insiders have him pegged as a front runner after he accidentally CC’d the entire British people on one of the dozens of chain emails he forwards to you every week.

Mr. Bean

Is Mr. Bean still around? Maybe he needs a job!

Nancy Pelosi

We know she has her hands full in the U.S., but if you slow down the audio of her talking she sounds just as drunk as the idiots who proposed a Brexit referendum in the first place.

Harry Potter

  • Cons: Magic isn’t real.
  • Pros: That didn’t stop Nigel Farage and Boris Johnston from promising a magical Brexit with no negative consequences.

Emma Stone in The Favourite

As a young woman willing to do anything to maintain her position, Emma Stone’s character in The Favourite is perfectly cut out for a life in politics. (Plus there would be duck races!)

The Original Cast of RENT

These liberal Broadway musical theater stars might seem like an unusual pick to lead the Tories, but E.U. leaders have praised their plan to delay Brexit by another 525,600 minutes.

A Howler Monkey

With Parliament deadlocked over Brexit, experts believe the only thing capable of cutting through the debate is the blood-curdling scream of a wild howler monkey.

Boris Johnston

Currently the leading candidate, Boris Johnston is exactly the same as the howler monkey, but with a British accent. 

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