The 7 Types of Personalities I Have Tried on Fertility Forums

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Everyone knows that if you want to be pregnant you just have to try hard enough. When it wasn’t immediately happening for me, I thought it was maybe because I wanted it TOO much, or sometimes, not enough. So I did what any rational person might do: I turned to the internet. Specifically, fertility forums. It was here I tried out multiple personalities to unsuspecting posters, hoping that one of them would be the magic key to finally unlock motherhood.

Avoidant: At first I’d yet to have any testing done and could theoretically apply several possibilities described in the forums to my situation. I soon joined every subthread hypothesizing the source of my barrenness, which only made me MORE overwhelmed and fearful of getting checked out. What was I so afraid of, you ask? Oh, just my legacy of DNA to leave on Earth after I die! No big deal!

Could have just Googled this: Everyone knows search engines are the filters of the patriarchy. Why have my fertility issues mansplained to me when I can crowdsource the answer from my fellow desperate vagina empaths? I don’t care if they don’t have medical degrees, they have experience and an account on this forum and I trust them with MY LIFE.

A-student: For most of my life, effort has always resulted in outcome, so facing infertility was particularly frustrating after seemingly doing everything in my power without results. Now I’m so well-versed on the subject after spending hours online I’m considering going to into the field to share my wisdom with my fellow empty-uterus sisters. The staff at the fertility clinic I frequent, however, doesn’t seem to appreciate my newfound expertise after skimming three books written in the early 1990s from my local library. It’s like they don’t even care about my thoughts on using a Diva Cup as a DIY pregnancy hack!

The oversharer: I’m only sharing my sex schedule and photo of a still-dripping ovulation test in this post for RESEARCH PURPOSES.

The hippie: Did you know that there’s no such thing as infertility, it’s just your perception?? That’s why I stopped worrying and focused instead on eliminating all negative energy from my chakras. Now I take 40 supplements every morning and do acupuncture twice a week. I’m also focusing on my yoga practice, because I’m intuiting the universe is trying to tell me my ability to bear children is rooted in mastering full wheel pose. I don’t eat dairy, gluten, sugar, or any produce that has traveled farther than 30 miles from my home (but of course I will make the occasional exception for my fave dark chocolate!). I’m also keeping a journal noting both shape and consistency of my bowel movements, just in case. I’m still not pregnant, but I feel better.

The existentialist: After months of setbacks, it’s difficult not to question the point of it all. Why take hormones when the Earth is experiencing climate change? Why undergo IVF if your child could be murdered in a mass shooting at school? Is forcing a new life into creation a selfish act? Is all of this effort worth it? IS EXISTENCE WORTH IT?

Newly-pregnant woman who wants you to know “if it can happen for me, it will happen for you!” Everybody knows once you get pregnant you respectfully fade away into the ether and let the rest of the forum women continue to wallow in their collective anxiety. Yes, it’s great to know that there are success stories, but when it’s something so personal and unpredictable they mean nothing until they happen to you. This personality is sadly not me yet, but trust me, I can’t WAIT to be that smug bitch. So in the meantime, shut up, Diane. No one cares about your stupid miracle baby. SHE DOESN’T EVEN GO HERE.

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