DES MOINES, IA — After seeing his shadow in an Iowa field this Saturday, and fueled by a fundamental misunderstanding of how the Iowa caucuses function, former Colorado governor John Hickenlooper officially confirmed six more weeks of a White House bid that has gained traction with tens of voters. “At first, you can bet that shadow spooked me. But I looked out at reporters flocking to candidates like Warren and Sanders, and I felt a deeper calling — not from polls, not from voters, but from the predictive power of seeing this shadow.”

In a characteristic display of his unfiltered dynamism, Hickenlooper described how this Iowa forecast will likely carry him straight into a lucrative term in the Oval Office. “I think this news will really impress Mitch McConnell when I go and have a sit-down with him on my day one in office. This is the kind of science he can get behind. In fact, this is the kind of science that everyday Americans across our nation will get behind.”

Hickenlooper confessed to some initial panic over a momentary inability to locate his shadow. Luckily, a bedraggled campaign staffer reminded the presidential wannabe of his campaign slogan to “stand tall,” and the 67-year-old’s shadow emerged in the voter-free space surrounding him. Hickenlooper closed his remarks by putting his hands on his hips and gazing straight at the ground. “If not me, then who? Who?”

Hickenlooper was last seen clutching a raw ear of corn for no apparent reason.