What is Wicks4Dicks?
Wicks4Dicks is a monthly subscription box service for men who are too insecure to buy candles in a store like a normal person. For just $24.99 per month, we deliver candles, and other products that make your home smell good, with discreet yet hyper-masculine packaging in order to provide a comfortable shopping experience. Enjoy the aromas you secretly love without the terrifying risk of being viewed as effeminate.
Who is this service right for?
If you’re afraid that your testicles will be confiscated and displayed under the tow hitch of a manlier man’s F-350 pickup if you so much as sniff a Glade Plug-In, Wicks4Dicks is for you.
How does Wicks4Dicks guarantee my privacy?
When you place your first Wicks4Dicks order, you select from three options of what you’d like stamped on the side of your monthly subscription box: Army Surplus Store, Titty Movie Emporium, or Live Snakes. Don’t worry! Nobody will know there’s a lavender reed diffuser in there.
What about on my credit card/bank statement?
For your protection, we show up as “D4W Guns&Steak” on all financial records.
You mentioned a lavender reed diffuser. I don’t like lavender. Can I choose my favorite scents discreetly?
Absolutely. When you sign up for Wicks4Dicks, we’ll send you an encrypted email survey so we can curate a box to match your tastes. After you complete the survey, we’ll stream a complimentary showing of Die Hard so you can recharge your testosterone after reviewing the names of fruit and flowers for 10 minutes. It’ll stay between us that you like freesia and vanilla!
Will the candle say “freesia and vanilla” on the side? What if another man sees that?
Rest assured, our commitment to your fragile male ego extends to our packaging. Our products are cleverly camouflaged as hand grenades, bottles of Macallan scotch, boxes of XL condoms, and random automotive parts–just normal things a Regular Joe such as yourself would display on shelves around his house.
I’m really uncomfortable with words like “strawberry” and “honeysuckle,” even though I would smell the shit out of a strawberry honeysuckle candle if I was in a Bath and Body Works at least 120 miles from my office. Can you help?
Not to worry, once you complete the survey, you’ll be done dealing with icky feminine words like “linen,” “sunrise,” or “lilac.” Our patented Wicks4Dicks algorithm translates common popular scent names into obnoxiously masculine words so you can smell with confidence. Instead of receiving a “strawberry honeysuckle” wax melt, you’ll receive a “flaming rage” wax melt.
Fun fact: Our most popular scents right now are “ripped lightning” and “diesel bullet!” (Hint: they’re actually sugar cookie and lemon meringue pie.)
What if I’m not quite ready for candles that smell good, but I’m open to the idea of candles that smell manly?
If you want a candle to stink up your whole house like an old tire yard or an MMA dojo, we’ve got you covered. Just sign up for our Wicks4Dicks Toxic Masculinity collection and we’ll hook you up with the douchiest candles available on the market today. Note: a liability waiver is required as these candles are literally toxic.
Can I just get a candle that’s shaped like a penis? That’s really all I want.
Yes, but this requires a liability waiver of a more specific variety.
Can I cancel my Wicks4Dicks subscription?
We’re sad to see you go, but you can absolutely cancel your Wicks4Dicks subscription at any time. If you cancel within the first year, however, our subscriber agreement stipulates that we will send an email to your office bully and your mean uncle Kenny letting them know you’re a fancy little man who enjoys the scent of mangos and butterscotch.