Submission Guidelines For The Quirky Writer

by Meggie Gates

Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com

So you’ve decided to submit to The Mossy Fern, Congrats! If you’ve ever stuck your cat in a blender and downed its remains to a Duke Ellington song, this magazine is for you. We want to see your sweat. Your tears. Your vials of teeth with essays wrapped around it. Submission fee is $30.

Welcome to the Edgar Poe Review. To submit a manuscript, stand in front of Taco Bell, remove every stitch of clothing, and read your proposal as loudly as you can in a thick Scottish brogue. An Edgar Poe representative will materialize shortly after and punch you in the balls. Contributors are unpaid.

Salutations, peasants! Thoth William Shakespeare Memorial taketh only 17th century porn. Submit thoust horniest Old Testament take, thoust lousiest minion erotica. If you’ve had sex with a medieval warlock? We want the ins and outs of his ins and outs. We do not dabble in “the web.” Submit only in seal covered envelope to our castle address below.

Hello. This is the most prestigious college review in the country. Out of the 3,460 essays submitted, only 1.7% get in. Looking only for pieces that have won 20 notable prizes and a Pulitzer. Must live in the Midwest and come from a city of literature. Submission fee: $700. Must inherit all your father’s blazers.

Thank you for your interest in Beer Battered Cod. If you’re a writer who chugs kegs and rips bongs, this magazine’s for you. Think of Vice, but more hardcore. We publish everything from DUI’s to mugshots. Simultaneous submissions are fine, but only if they carry traces of anthrax. If you submit your work somewhere else, fuck off.

Greetings, earthlings. We are a team of editors not from this planet. Our master Zeep Zorp sent us from space to consume your nebulous nonsense. Pieces of any kind are welcome, from Bleep Bleep to Ba Ba Black Sheep. In the past, we’ve featured other alien monsters like Keanu Reeves and Tupac Shakur. We won’t specify how to contact us. That’s a mystery for you to unravel.

OMG Cat lovers! Welcome welcome welcome!!! We are an LGBTQ friendly magazine that wants to showcase your feline friends. This pussy powered team of ragtag editors wants to see still life paintings of your cats! Water oil paintings of your mum! Bonus points if you include (either ones) hair! Pussy hats, on!

Sexy Babies is an annual publication that wishes to see work that challenges the way we think. We want to read something so steeped in childhood, we forget how to read entirely. Am I three years old again? That’s the goal. A good fit is something that absolutely regresses us to the goo goo ga ga state of living. A nostalgia for diapers. If you’ve shit your pants at a Sbarro’s, so have we.

WE WANT YOUR BLOOD. THIS LIT MAG WANTS TO LICK YOUR HOT, STICKY, SWEET BLOOD. GIVE US BONES. DO IT. WE THRIVE OFF DRAINING THE WRITING COMMUNITY OF LIFE. SUBMIT THROUGH SUBMITTABLE. WE’LL GIVE YOU A BUTTON.

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