After months of total silence and absolutely zero media coverage, the campaign for the Democratic Nomination will FINALLY emerge from its long hibernation this week with not one–– but TWO televised debates airing on NBC!
On Wednesday night, Elizabeth Warren will face off with… Cory Booker I guess? And then on Thursday it’s the royal rumble everyone’s been talking about: Biden vs. Bernie vs. Kamala vs. Alien vs. Predator.
With 20 candidates debating over four hours of must-see-what-else-is-on TV, you’re going to need a guide. But more importantly, you’re going to need gifs that are just as relevant as today’s Democratic Party. So here’s a preview of what to expect, as told entirely in gifs from another institution that peaked in the late 90s: The Simpsons.
Night #1: Bill de Blasio (left) will try to make himself look more progressive than Elizabeth Warren (right).
Night #2: Joe Biden will take the stage and it will look something like this:
Night #1: Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar will address concerns that she’s hot-headed and verbally abusive by calmly placing Beto O’Rourke in a headlock.
Night #2: “Mayor Pete” will freeze up when asked about his handling of a recent police shooting in his home town of South Bend, Indiana.
Night #1: Washington Gov. Jay Inslee will be given a pity question about the environment.
Night #2: Former Colorado Gov. John Hickenlooper will just be happy to be there.
Night #1: Beto O’Rourke will try to remind us that he’s “the cool guy” and America will suddenly realize that anyone looks cool when compared to Ted Cruz.
Night #2: Joe Biden will be asked about his comments that he worked well with segregationists and double down by insisting that Robert E. Lee was actually a pretty nice guy once you got to know him.
Night #1: Hawaii Rep. Tulsi Gabbard will be given less speaking time than Tim Ryan, Jeff Johnson, and John Delaney (and I bet you can’t tell which one of this men I made up!).
Night #2: California Rep. Eric Swalwell will be asked what separates him from the 10 other white men invited to the debates (as well as the 3 who didn’t make the cut!).
Both Nights: Millions of Americans will try to watch the whole thing and have no idea if they were successful when they wake up in a pile of their own vomit the next morning. (Pro Tip: Keep drinking to shorten the hangover and/or the amount of this election season that you can actively remember.)