NEW YORK – Teen girls have always had the Junior’s section to buy hot, fashionable clothes separate from the matronly confines of Women’s section. Now, Macy’s will be the first store to offer the same for boys! Introducing the Young Mister’s section! Now there’s an entire department dedicated to styling the young man in his sexual prime. No need to wear the same frumpy trousers and button ups as your dad! The new Young Mister’s section will have:
- Cartoon t-shirts! Not the baby kind, obviously. We’re talking Rick and Morty, Dragonball Z, The Simpsons, video game stuff. Stuff with a lot of intellectual content, you know.
- Superhero t-shirts, too, like a Captain America or an Iron Man logo, but maybe it’s kind of faded and worn looking. Very cool, totally different from your little brother’s shirt, but your dad would look like the sad, pathetic bitch if he was caught wearing it
- Booty pants, the kind that hang off or on your youthful derriere. Again, your dad wouldn’t be caught dead in these. He’s sexually obsolete!
- Crop tops, to show off your svelte young man physique. Dad bods not allowed!
- Board shorts. A young man needs to board! An older man’s boarding days are over. Stay on the golf course, grandpa!
- Hemp seashell and shark tooth necklaces and bracelets. On your bronzed youthful arms, you look like Atlantian prince. A man past his prime, however, would look like a guy who hangs out outside on the porch of a Jimmy Buffet’s Margaritaville.
- Tight underwear that looks good on you, but would make a man over 21’s balls look like two loose eggs in a pair of pantyhose
- More t-shirts! That say stuff like, “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you” and “Fluent in sarcasm”. Haha, you’re so edgy.
It used to be just a size thing, but with hormones in milk and what all, having a junior’s section has been mostly just a way of monitoring women’s bodies by reinforcing the concept that their relevance and appeal changes as they age. Men have always had more freedom to make the decision on their own, but not at Macy’s anymore!
Macy’s will be having unveiling party at 14 select locations that will include a 7 hour long Smash tournament with limited conversation and unlimited quantities of Mountain Dew and Monster. Tell your dad to drop you off then go stare at some crew socks!