What I Would Say If I Met…

LONDON, ENGLAND – MAY 03: Keanu Reeves attends the John Wick special screenings at Ham Yard Hotel on May 03, 2019 in London, England. (Photo by Dave J Hogan/Getty Images for Lionsgate )

Keanu Reeves: “Hey, Neo! Are we in the Matrix right now? Sorry, that sounded a lot cooler in my head.”

Billie Eilish: “I only learned who you are last week, but I would die for you.”

Jacob Tremblay: “You are so talented. Can I get your autograph? Or do you not know how to do cursive yet?”

Ray Romano: “You probably don’t remember me, but I’m the guy who drove through your living room.”

Ellen DeGeneres: “What are you doing down here in quiet Decatur, Georgia? Wait, am I on your show right now? Am I being surprised? I’m just joshing around, but that’s something you’d do, right? Anyway, enjoy your visit!”

Beyoncé: “Excuse me, are you Beyoncé? Knowles?”

Jennifer Garner: “Any advice for how to deal with losing the love of your life as the world watches? Asking for a friend.”

Jenny Slate: “Jenny Slate, what are odds? I can’t believe we ran into each other at this coffee shop. Oh my god, did you also order a medium café latte? It’s like this is meant to be—please, stop me if I’m being too forward—but would you like to be a guest on my podcast?”

Paul McCartney: “Sir Paul! You are my favorite alive Beatle!”

Barack Obama: “I tweet at you so often, but you never respond. I get not wanting to retweet me, but not even throwing me any likes or replying? What gives? Jerk.”

Queer Eye’s ‘Fab 5’: “Hi, Antoni.”

Kate Middleton: “Can I get your number? I’m trying to get everyone I know to join this sweet new food delivery app. I get 1,000 points for every person I invite who ends up joining, and if I get 10,000 points, I can get a free large soft drink with my next order.”

Kevin Durant: “I will literally give you $100 to not re-sign with the Warriors.”

Pete Davidson: “Hello, Peter. Don’t scream. Take a seat, we’re going to be here for a while. You’re probably wondering why I’m in your bedroom. Well, I’m here tonight because I’m going to kill you. Stop crying. I want you to know that this will not be over quickly. I’m going to take my time with you.”

Dolly Parton: “Oh my god, Dolly Parton! I love your cover of Miley Cyrus’s song ‘Jolene.’”

1996 Atlanta Braves: “Chipper! Kenny! The Professor! Wow, seeing the whole crew back together reminds me of the last time I was truly happy: Sitting around the TV in the nineties, watching your pennant run with mom, dad, and my goldfish, Angie. Oh, sweet Angie. That was before mom left Decatur for the big city to pursue her dream of being a Falcons cheerleader and nobody was around after school to stop me from seeing if Angie could live in a glass of milk. Can I get a selfie?”

Robert DeNiro: “I’m sure you get this all the time, but Dirty Grandpa changed my life.”

Randy Newman: “Holy moly, Randy Newman? Toy Story soundtrack Randy Newman? I love your work. And not just Toy Story—your deep cuts too, like Toy Story 3. And nobody knows about ToyStory 2, but wow. Keep changing the world, Mr. Newman. You’ve got a fan in me.”

Emilia Clarke: “Settle a bet for me: I say it was a stunt double, but my buddy here thinks you were actually riding those dragons yourself.”

Idris Elba: “Sorry, I’ll get back to being at least 100 feet away. It was an accident.”

Priyanka Chopra: “I don’t want to bother you, but is your Venmo @the_priyankachopra? I sent you $10 two months ago and asked for an autographed headshot, but I still haven’t received it. Did I choose the wrong account again?”  

Big Bird: “Excuse me, Mr. Bird? I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but my fiancé and I each made a list of three celebrities we would be allowed to sleep with without it being cheating. Well, you’re my number two, and I’m in town for one more night before heading to Savannah on business if you’d like to come back to my place.”

John Legend: “Could you sing my voicemail greeting? It goes, ‘I’m the Little Meatball Prince, soon I’ll be the Big Meatball King. Sauce-sauce-sauce me up. Marinara, tomato, vodka or alfredo, sauce me up, buttercup.’ I really appreciate it.”

Alec Baldwin: “My friend’s mom smoked weed with you once in high school. Or maybe it was with Jerry Seinfeld. I know she went to high school with both of you, I just can’t remember who she smoked with. Hold on a second, let me text my buddy and see what he says.”

Jon Favreau (Actor/Director): “My favorite Jon Favreau!”

Jon Favreau (Podcast Host): “Hello!”

Lin-Manuel Miranda:
“Mr. Miranda, is that really you /

I also spit bars /

Until my face turns blue /

You’re the true king of both Broadway and rap /

So please gimme a minute and I’ll shut my trap /

I just want to say thanks /

For all that you do /

Now let me ask you a very quick Q /

What brings you to Decatur, Georgia?”

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