Truly American Ways to Celebrate the Fourth of July

white and red flag
Photo by Aaron Schwartz on
  • Watch a Jennifer Aniston rom com with a tub of red white and blue sprinkles Breyer’s on your chest
  • Touch yourself slowly to the sound of fireworks as you chug a Tito’s Vodka Nutcracker you found on the sidewalk
  • Pass out on the beach with a Corona in your left hand, a split in your right, a half a burger on your crotch, surrounded by a hungry and violent flock of seagulls
  • Pee in a public pool as you toss a football to your son
  • Set off an illegal firework in your backyard as your unemployed uncle tattoos FAMILY in a heart on your pubic bone while you both take percocet
  • Throw up at a 7/11 as you try to purchase a seventh 40
  • Accidentally burn your fingers off while trying to grill a salmon on molly
  • Rob a 99 cents store and get arrested by sunburnt cops who are also coincidentally Italian cousins while wearing a stolen one piece American flag bathing suit and sweat soaked straw hat
  • Start a bonfire to celebrate patriotism and accidentally burn your friend’s Hamptons beach house to the ground
  • Get a sunburn at a baseball stadium so bad you’re forced to get carried out on a gurney in front of your family
  • Sing the star spangled banner to your daughter with a Juul hanging out of your mouth
  • Put an American flag bandana around your dog’s neck and make him woof to the tune of God Bless America (you trained Wally using grilled hot dogs as rewards so he should nail it)
  • Watch Independence Day while your first cousin goes down on you
  • Shoot a bird with a gun and scream “MERICA!” as you do it
  • Watch a rerun of the democratic debate and draw a peen on Beto Orourke’s face
  • Dress up as Uncle Sam and go for a swim in river full of mutated fish (available anywhere in the U.S.)
  • Discuss the socioeconomic divide with your toothless aunt
  • Sing “Is Trump even real?” over and over to the tune of the National Anthem
  • Move to Canada

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s