Do you hate Fourth of July barbecues? The endless small talk, the weak paper plates, and trying to remember your husband’s name so you can introduce him? You’re not alone. Millions of people would rather have a root canal than josh it up around the swing set with people they see only a few times a year. To get out of these pesky invitations, offer your would-be host one of these thirteen ironclad excuses.
1. I’d come, but my skort is at the dry cleaner’s.
2. If by barbecue you mean satanic ritual, I’m in. Otherwise, I’ll be unveiling my statue of Beelzebub.
3. I have a deathly fear of [choose one]: tofu dogs/koi/Hawaiian shirts.
4. My Avengers sunblock is backordered on Amazon.
5. I’m under court order to stay two hundred yards away from backyard chickens.
6. My psychiatrist is having a two-for-one Independence Day Sale, and my imaginary friend doesn’t want to miss it.
7. I only eat foods that are dairy free, gluten free, and were grown on the International Space Station. You have a landing pad, right?
8. My new AOC tattoo can’t be exposed to sunlight.
9. I’ll be busy ordering bulk copies of my memoir, Look at Me I’m a Bestseller. Shall I put you down for a dozen?
10. I’m getting an early start on [choose one]: pumpkin carving/hiding the afikomen/my new pyramid scheme.
11. My Betsy Ross wig is Grand Marshal in the town’s Fourth of July parade and she hates to march alone.
12. My GPS thinks your address is a downtown strip club. On second thought, that might be fun. I’ll just run to the bank for singles.
13. Well, this is awkward. I’m having my own Fourth of July barbecue and didn’t invite you.