CC: Neil Sudoku Parody Tribute BandSubject: Public Jousting Event Announcement
Subject: Public Jousting Event Announcement
Sorry to use the co-op email list like this, but I wanted to invite y’all to our jousting contest. As some of you may know, Devin and I had words (respectful but resentful) about whether or not it was ethical for us to bogey wi-fi from the Portuguese restaurant. While the co-op voted “yes,” Devin and I still have unresolved tension. In order to quash our beef in a respectful and civilized manner, we’re going to host a super casual jousting contest in Prospect Park next week. We’ll be roasting goose, serving up this sick beer based on a 16th century mead recipe that Mikkeller made for the event, and using period-authentic iron lances to settle our dispute.
To keep the chill vibe of our possibly life-threatening contest going, we’ve asked Second Floor Janice to perform. I know that at least eight of you are also classical musicians, but Janice is the only one with a triple-harp, which we thought might add to the atmosphere of the event. She’ll be playing a mix of Renaissance dirges and Joanna Newsom covers. Also, Gene’s a capella group, Captains of the High C’s, have agreed to sing a few riveting frottolas. If you think you can handle all that craft and want to take a break from sending out Etsy orders, put on your dancing shoes and come sway to the sounds of the post-feudal era!
After everyone’s gotten their medieval buzz on, Devin and I will mount our steeds (big ups to John Paul and Sara for hooking us up with some warmblood chargers), and race toward each other with the intention of piercing through each other’s maille doublets, skirts, and plate armor. Since everyone will likely get drowsy after eating all that goose, Devin and I will set up some picnic blankets near the tree line in case anyone wants to doze or hang with Molly while cheering us on as we try and draw first blood. Since the humidity is supposed to be outrageous, we’ll bring some eco-friendly mist machines. We’re hoping these will cool you off while adding a certain sense of drama to our battle.
Even though we’re the coordinators of the co-op’s LARPing group, neither Devin nor I have much experience with maiming, let alone using lances. It’s possible that our joust might go well into the night, so we’ve called in a few favors from the New York Historical Society to make sure everyone has a good time. For those of you that might feel the need to take an Uber gig or flirt on Bumble after an hour of watching us wobble on our horses, we’ve set up stations for you to learn about falconry, bull baiting, and the unfortunate way women were treated between the dawn of time and the very minute I’m writing this. Unlike misogyny, falconry is one of the most rad hobbies out there. Also, on a side-note, since the co-op has had some issues with mail theft recently, we were hoping we could discuss applying for a license, building a hawk mews in the common area, and trapping a few falcons to deliver our daily letters at the next board meeting.
After our battle is over, we’ll hug it out and the loser will be placed in the custom stock built for us by our buds at Birdie’s Hardware. This isn’t period-accurate, but we thought it would help everyone out with their Insta game. In case one of us really injures or kills the other, Brody and Casey will be there to help the winner prepare a defense for court. The two of them did great work winning that dog fighting case, so getting one of us off for 16th century manslaughter should be a complete swish. We hope to see you there!