Sexual Harassment PSA Released By America’s Favorite Horse

Photo by Trace Hudson on

Hey humans, it’s War of Will here. As you probably all know, I have several notable horse race prizes under my very fashionable saddle. Instead of being a jerk and partying away all those coins earned from my various purses, I want to use my money, horsepower, and fame for a good cause. 

So today I’d like to talk about how to navigate sexual harassment in the #MeToo era. What a drag. Am I right?

Let’s start with a simple question: Are you tired of being continually hung out to try for your predatory sexual behavior? What about being constantly accused of “inappropriately groping” your fellow human (usually female) or looking at her in a way that makes her feel “unsafe” or even just “uncomfortable.”

How uptight can one species possibly be? Am I right?

Well, I’m about to let you in on a little secret that will totally blow your mind. This gives a whole new meaning to “horsing around.”

So saddle up and listen good. Ready for it?

Try a mare on for size, whatever your size. (And, no offense, it’s probably small compared to my huge horse schlong). Wanna know why? Because over the course of billions of years, mares have been conditioned to be preyed upon by studly male horses just like me. Now they basically just stand there and let me do whatever I want. Umm, you’re welcome.

Think it’s perverse to get your groove on while other humans stand around at watch? Not so with Miss Mare. It’s just another mating day at the office for us.

And while you’re at it, quit feeling bad about flashing your nether regions to random strangers unexpectedly. I do it all the time. Mares love it. At least, I’ve never had any complaints. I always took “Neigh” at face value. They may have been saying “Nay,” but what do I care? I’m pretty sure they love it.

Need more convincing? Here’s another one: Mares are used to having multiple partners. So bring your gang banging friends along and go to town. She may accidentally pee on you, but hey, you’re a nasty ass mo’ fo’ and will probably like it. Am I right?

Tired of being called a “horse’s ass”? Well, now’s your chance to giddy up all in one! Fair warning though: If you grab her huge, luscious butt unannounced she may kick you in the teeth. 

One last thing. Once in awhile lil’ Lady Luck will lay down and “play dead” but don’t let that discourage you. She’s just playing hard to get. P.S. She’s the lucky one, remember. Take it from me and buck the trend of feeling bad for your “offensive” behavior. 

Good luck. And now, I’m off to the races.

Don’t forget to follow me on twitter @WarOfWillWinner. Hashtag: #SaveAGirlRideAMare 

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