by Gwen Thomas
Mornings. Who needs ‘em, right? Luckily I have a little routine I like to follow that really helps me get my day off to a great start: I wake up, stretch, and hop on down to the kitchen for a cup of fresh brewed Folger’s. After a good morning kiss on the cheek from my lovely wife, I- Now, now, you know the rule, Denise!
Do not talk to me about politics until I’ve had my coffee!
Denise and I, like any two northeastern liberals, really enjoy a little political banter in our relationship. We often fall asleep to Pod Save America at night, after making love to Late Night with Seth Meyers. We give each other Obama-themed greeting cards on our birthdays and have bumper stickers that say “If Being Liberal is Left, I Don’t Want to Be Right (get it)!” We knock Pete Davidson for his Hillary tattoo even though we have identical ones on our butts from a double-dare back in college.
But lately, as we ramp up for the 2020 election, I’ve begun to wake up in a cold sweat. My night terrors aren’t back, no — rather, I’m paralyzed with fear about where the country is going. (It is a similar experience to my night-terrors, except instead of being unable to move, all I am able to do is robotically scroll up and down my Twitter feed, filled with existential dread).
That’s why, for me, the key to the perfect morning is a pensive cup of freshly brewed Folger’s classic dark roast (with a splash of 1% milk). You see, my Cuisinart DCC-1200 Brew Central 12 Cup takes 8-10 minutes to brew that fresh pot in the morning. 8-10 quiet minutes, with only the sound of hot coffee trickling into the glass, like a lone stream of urine.
In these 8-10 minutes, I am not a man, watching the world burn. I am simply a being, smelling the bold vanilla undertones of a hearty roast brewing. What pee tape? What collusion? North Korea who?
So do not talk to me 😀 About politics 😀 Until I’ve had my coffee.
Denise knows, after I have my coffee, that’s when it’s a-okay to tell me the news: Someone else has jumped into the presidential 2020 race? Well, what’s her favorite snack? Her bedtime? Has she ever eaten salad with a comb? It’s a man? …Wait, why? Though much will change before the primary, I want to know every last detail down to bikinis or boy shorts (or boxers or briefs). This information will enter a vast rolodex in my mind, in which I will later pluck from to make references by the watercooler. Or more likely, unsolicited my college friends’ Facebook group chat.
But not until I’ve had my coffee!
After a refreshing dose of caffeine to get the ole synapses firing, THAT’S when I’ll be ready to battle the impending doom of observing, as if in slow motion, our political leaders fail moral trials time and time again! That’s when I’ll be ready to accept that the suffocating presence of carbon in our atmosphere will mean my children will grow up believing polar bears are a myth! That’s when I’ll be able to watch TikToks of Cory Booker’s face while Beto speaks Spanish at the debate!
But before I have my coffee, I’m simply not thinking about potential coordination failures of the Democratic party that could result in Trump being re-elected. I’m certainly not thinking about the ghastly conditions taking place at the southern border, or the ghoulish nightmare I experienced the night previously where Nixon came back as a ghost to put out an “exploratory committee”!
All my brain can register! Is the bold, refreshing aroma! Of a cup of Folger’s CLASSIC DARK ROAST COFFEE.
Do NOT talk to me about politics until I’ve had my coffee. I’m begging you, Denise, don’t even TRY!
Because, I won’t listen. No honey, I do not want to work on our spreadsheet of democratic primary contender’s blood types while I enjoy this bold cup. I do not want to watch the Fox News clips Stephen Colbert has auto-tuned into a viral YouTube song while I add a dash of Splenda. If someone even so much as sneezes a “Buttigieg” I will- and I cannot emphasize this enough- completely and utterly lose my shit!
That is, until I’ve had that morning cup. Those sweet moments of drinking caffeinated bean water is the only peace I’m going to get from viewing Buzzfeed’s anxiety-inducing slideshow of Joe Biden’s ice-cream habit juxtaposed with his alarming “centrist” policies all morning! So let me ENJOY those gulps, Denise! Don’t you dare turn on The Daily while we get ready for work. Don’t you dare-
DENISE. GET THAT YANG 2020 BASEBALL CAP OFF YOUR HEAD. YOU’RE TRYING TO PROVOKE ME AT MY OWN KITCHEN TABLE. And honestly, it might work- but not until I’ve had my coffeeJ