FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
June 30, 2019
It has been an honor — no, privilege — no, celestial duty, to work for the greatest political mind of this or any generation.
As an advisor to President Trump (can anyone really advise the all-knowing), it is my job to be a vessel for his greatness. The guidance I give him is nothing more than his own brilliance released into the ether, transmitted, and repeated back through me so that he may hear himself speak in other voices.
I cherish this role as the president’s burning bush and it is with great pleasure that I bestow on you his wisdom so that you might experience the joy of making your significant other — although incomparable to the significance of the president — even a pittance of a small fraction as happy as the president makes the lucky few who are deemed worthy of his words and presence.
Needless to say, not heeding the president’s advice would be a mistake on your part.
A HUGE MISTAKE!
So, without further ado, I present to you the president’s tips for a magical date night.
NO CARD, NO GIFTS, NO FLOWERS
Always leave them wanting more?
No. Always leave them wanting anything.
This is an idea ripped straight from the president’s personal playbook.
Show up empty-handed.
Do you know who has time to shop for flowers and gifts?
Losers and poor people.
Is that the message you want to send?
Trust me, your date will recognize how special it is that you took time out of your schedule at all.
Showering your date with gifts will only encourage their worst impulses.
Gifts train them to accept handouts and reject the hard work required to buy their own things. Date night is not only an opportunity to show someone you love them but also a chance to teach them a valuable lesson.
Don’t spoil it by putting them on your dole.
CHOOSE A RESTAURANT WITH PURPOSE
When deciding where to dine on date night, don’t simply pick a restaurant based on romantic decor or deliciousness of food.
For full impact, choose a restaurant that shows you are a person of power, a person to be reckoned with.
With that in mind, the president’s advice to you:
Treat your loved one to the cuisine of a culture you’ve recently berated.
Just called Mexicans rapists and drug dealers?
It’s taco time!
Black lives matter a little less to you?
Mmmmm, soul food!
Think Italians are dirty and lazy?
Hey, that’s a spicy meatball!
The irony will send smoke from the ears of nearby liberal diners and — if they protest — this lets your date know you are a person of consequence.
You may get a drink or two thrown in your face, but, hey, free drink!
Do nice people get drinks thrown in their faces?
You know what they say about nice people… they’re Democrats and they’re losers.
Is it hypocritical to eat at a restaurant run by people you’ve categorically insulted?
Sure, but always remember: Hypocrisy is power. Power is sexy.
SKIP OUT ON THE BILL
Nothing impresses a potential mate more than showing them you’re financially astute.
So, pick out another couple at random and say that they’ll be picking up the check.
Mention it a few times during your meal to really drive home that you mean business.
At the end of the evening, if they refuse to pay the bill, it’s time to play hardball.
Just get up and leave.
You are a dealmaker and you call the shots.
When leaving the restaurant, do yourself a favor:
Steal a quick glance into the eyes of your date and bask in the refulgent glow of someone who is utterly impressed.
Go forth and keep making America great again for the first time.
Senior Advisor for Policy
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C. 20500
P.S. If you don’t get laid? She’s a lesbian, which means she’s a liberal and a loser!
(you’d be surprised at how many lesbians I’ve come across on dates in D.C. Close to one hundred percent!)