Jesus Christ Shot Dead By Florida Man Under The Impression Jesus Was White

Photo by Juhasz Imre on

Following the latest mass shooting in the United States, Jesus Christ of biblical fame decided to respond in person to nationwide calls for thoughts and prayers. Upon his return to earthly flesh, however, Jesus was almost immediately shot dead by Florida man and gun rights activist Chester Greenholt, a self-proclaimed “devoutly Christian” man wearing a WWJD bracelet, who did not recognize Jesus because he was under the impression that Jesus was a white man.

The King of Kings performed his miracle of resurrection in Pork, Florida, a small, 92% white town where the main Christian church is ironically named Christ Church of the Resurrection. Pork is a town known for having bible verses hung in classrooms, a town whose church-goers speak often of how they will welcome Jesus Christ, their lord and savior, with open arms upon his return. Christ Himself knew this was a town that would embrace him, where he could provide the residents with a sense of peace, and ideally offer clarification on some of his teachings.

Much to Jesus’s surprise though, when he appeared, raised his hands in greeting and began, “I have come…” Greenholt saw raised arms and brown skin, felt threatened, and fired, in spite of the telltale signs it was Jesus Christ: the beard, the robe, the sandals that only Jesus can pull off in this season. Of course, it’s understandable because the Jesus Chester knew was white. 

“I’m still not convinced it was him, if you want to know the truth,” said fellow resident of Pork, Janethy Wittier. “Nah, this guy looked like some kind of terrorist. Or one of them illegals. Nothing at all like the blue-eyed white man know from the paintings at my church and the drawing I made of him. The sandals are hard to ignore though.”

The community has once again joined together to call for thoughts and prayers in the wake of a tragedy, in spite of the fact that the only person they believed could answer them was fatally wounded by gun shot. 

“He can come back again though, right?” asked Fittany Winderwald, another Pork resident. No one in the vicinity was clear on the answer to this. “I guess I never thought about the fact that he was from the middle east,” she commented.

“Well no shit,” commented Lee Holt, the only black member of the church community.

The NRA has been vocal in its support of Chester Greenholt and the rights of all white men to bear arms at all times in all places and to shoot whomever they damn well please because it’s a free goddamn country for white men.

Fortunately for Greenholt, who declined to comment, there is a 95% chance he will be protected under Florida’s Stand Your Ground Law. After all, he can’t be held responsible for shooting an unarmed brown man he had no idea was the son of God.

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