Your Guide To NYC’s Off-Brand Outdoor Summer Movie Series

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New York’s outdoor summer film festivals are a great way to get some fresh air and enjoy everything the city has to offer, but dealing with the throngs of idiots and jerkoffs who had the same idea as you can ruin a beautiful night out. Thankfully, there are plenty of lesser-known venues showing outdoor movies all summer long–– check them out today!

The Bryant Park Adult Film Series

Held in the same spectacular park as the more family-friendly Bryant Park Summer Movie series, this daily film festival features men of all ages streaming porn on screens both big and small. From the 82-year-old squinting to watch on his iPhone 5c to the businessman juggling 6 open tabs on his 15” MacBook Pro, this 24-hour movie series is a great excuse to get out of the house (and then wish you’d never left).

Randall’s Island Outdoor Movie Night But The Wrong Night

Located in the East River, a trip to Randall’s Island is a great way to get out of the city without ever leaving, or checking the schedule ahead of time, or realizing that you came on the wrong weekend and now there’s literally nothing to do on this garbage piece of earth. Featuring hit films you could’ve watched at home and definitely aren’t going to see tonight, this movie series is a great way to stress test your newest relationship.

Your Rooftop Film Fest

The newest trend in outdoor movie watching, rooftop films combine luxury and mosquito bites for a truly unique entertainment experience. But why travel to a crowded roof when you can run an extra-long extension cord out of your living room window and then trick a neighbor into helping carry your TV up the fire escape? Sure the alarm on the door to the roof drowns out the audio, but that scenic view of the hospital down the street more than makes up for it (especially when you break your ankle while fleeing the super).

The Full-Volume No-Headphones Netflix Movie Fest

Can’t get away from work to enjoy an outdoor movie? No worries! Just head out into the break room and get ready to enjoy hit canceled shows like Designated Survivor blasting at full volume! Best of all, your coworker will watch the whole thing with at least one completely superfluous AirPod hanging out of his ear–– a friendly reminder that he’s choosing to share this low-rent West Wing knock-off with you and anyone else foolish enough to bring their own lunch.

South Street Seaport’s Semen Series

Yeah, that guy on the bench is totally jerking off. But aren’t you just a little curious to find out what he’s jerking off to?

Your Nephew’s YouTube Recommendations

Are you a horror fan? Then skip the Stephen King and check out this summer’s most terrifying film fest: Your 9-year-old nephew’s YouTube recommendations! Just grab some snacks and get ready to lose your appetite as your sister’s son is algorithmically force fed everything from “Baby Shark” to anti-vaxx propaganda to gruesome footage of an actual baby shark being brutally mutilated by teenagers. Have a young niece instead? Start with some relatively innocent “unboxing” videos and watch in terror as each new recommendation veers closer and closer to child pornography!

Central Park’s Famous “Shakespeare in the Park” Series

Did you think we were talking about theater? Oh god no, “Shakespeare” is the name of the man watching porn next to that family of German tourists.

Just Watching Something on the Bus

As a savvy New Yorker you probably avoid the city’s crippled bus network like it’s Times Square on wheels, but what better place to burn through your family’s shared data plan while you stream all five hours of Chernobyl? You won’t make it to your destination unless you get out and walk, but you will get to enjoy all the sights, sounds, and (most importantly) smells our great city has to offer!

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