Things I’m Afraid of Now That I’ve Seen Midsommar


My blonde friends

Countries that have grass 

Getting on a plane to go literally anywhere

Cultures with traditions

Unfairly flattering white linens

Any and all rocks

Hauntingly robotic Swedish smirks 

Conversing with anyone wearing Heidi-style pigtail braids

Watching white people dance 

Sinister embroidery patterns that let me know I’m going to die 

Nude adults who enjoy singing a capella music

Eye contact for more than thirty seconds with aforementioned nude adults

Houses with art on the walls

Stray pubes

Sexually charged Scandinavian sketch artists who sport whimsical hairstyles

Seemingly pleasant outdoor feasts with elderly dinner guests

Graduate school theses 

The play A Midsummer Night’s Dream (too triggering)

Embarrassingly old trees that are metaphors for something deeper

Suspiciously beautiful sunlight

Urinating outdoors

Homemade tea offered to me by a fuckable white lady

Orchestral sounds heard while tripping on shrooms 

Maypoles that are higher than four feet

Playing music during sex

Ever having sex again

Spirited redheads with invisible eyebrows 

The sounds of forks and knives clinking together in unison

Baking pies while morosely preoccupied with thoughts of my effortlessly douchey American boyfriend

Seeking anthropological knowledge

Being outside

Being inside

Being alive

Movie theaters

Ari Aster 

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