Some little girls never want to grow up. And that’s okay! Just because you have a 9 to 5 job and credit card debt doesn’t mean you have to give up the whimsy and magic that you remember from being a kid. In fact, I still wish I was a mermaid. You can see that from the shirt, throw pillow, novelty wooden sign, and day planner I own that announce to the world how much I, an adult woman with a college degree, long to become a mermaid. And I mean that completely literally.
All of the problems I have as a young millennial woman would be so much easier if I was a mermaid. It kills me to think about all the time I spend doing meal prep and trying to eat healthy. But if I was a mermaid, I could simply open my mouth and strain a delicious snack of fresh krill and plankton through my baleen. It’s totally keto and I’d save so much money not having to go to Trader Joe’s all the time.
And dating? Mermaids don’t need Tinder! The never-ending swiping and disappointment cycle would end in an instant. I can’t think of anything more empowering and sex-positive than settling down in a nest of kelp and releasing my egg sacs for fertilization. Thank you, next!
Another problem I have is the constant pressure to look great and wear the right outfit. As a mermaid, my tail would be such a great neutral and would really work with everything. No more sending back an entire box of StitchFix because they don’t get my vibe. Plus, my scales would just fall off and regenerate when they start to wear out. How great would that be? It’s not like my Joe’s jeans fix themselves! Not to mention you can just literally pee through your gills as you’re swimming along. So long, wrestling with my springtime romper!
God, being a mermaid truly is living the dream. I know there are some downsides—the risk of getting caught in a fishing net, crappy housing market due to coral reef destruction, pushing the limits of how waterproof my mascara really is — but is that really any worse than we land dwellers deal with on a regular basis? You tell me which is worse: being swallowed whole by an orca whale, or giving up on your childhood dreams and settling for a job in finance?
Every day, I try to get a little bit closer to that dream by asking myself, “What would a mermaid do?” And it’s working! I was recently kicked out of a McGrath’s Fish House for dunking my head in the lobster tank and serenading the crustaceans with the soundtrack to Dear Evan Hanson. I wore a shell bra to a job interview. I applied for a personal loan to get my toes surgically webbed. Everything is coming up mermaids!
So when society tells you that you have to grow up, you have two choices: fall in line, or swim away. I will never stop wanting to be a mermaid, no matter how many times I get evicted for flooding my apartment.