by Hannah Boone

-I laugh at your mean joke but not as hard as I’d normally laugh and I hope it’s noticeable enough to hurt you but not noticeable enough to stir up conflict.

-I give you a compliment, probably about your clothes or body. If I’m super pissed off, the compliment will be about how good your skin looks.

-Watch out, I might become distant and quiet, then when you ask what’s wrong I’ll say “nothing! it’s all good!” 

-If I know enough about your life, I’ll bring up something I know upsets you and act like I didn’t realize it was a sensitive subject. “How are the guitar lessons coming? Oh that’s right you don’t play guitar because you don’t have talent. I forgot, I’m so sorry!” 

-I’ll ask how you’re doing and secretly only take in half of what you’re saying. Ha! That’ll teach you.

-I’ll say sorry.

-I’ll politely excuse myself to the bathroom then talk to myself in the mirror about what a bitch you are. Someone waiting in line outside the door might hear me which will be humiliating. I will blame you and my negativity spiral will continue into a Facebook message I send you later that says, “good seeing you tonight!”

-Maybe I’ll leave to go get food. But before I go I’ll ask if I can get you anything.

-I’ll think about your boyfriend the next time I jerk off even though I genuinely think he is gross.

-I will text my friend about what a tool you’re being and they may or may not respond but probably not cause I send texts like that all the time and they’re bored of that.

-You may be able to sense my ulcer worsening. Or maybe not. Because you’re SELFISH.

– Later, I’ll look at your Instagram and get resentful about your accomplishments. I will get to a low bottom of feeling so angry and jealous that I’ll like something you posted just to feel human again.

-I’ll think about suicide just for a second to imagine you weeping at my funeral and this will feel so good I’ll get a little horny.

-I’ll laugh at your hurtful comment, give you a hug, say, “Love ya!” then head to spin class.