How To Read The Mueller Report So It Syncs Up Perfectly With Twister

Photo by Ralph W. lambrecht on

The release of the Mueller report set off a frantic rush to dissect and analyze the 448 page document. Some readers have noticed a peculiar phenomenon: When you read the Mueller report and watch the 1996 Helen Hunt film Twister at the same time, you’ll notice some mind-boggling serendipity.

To experience this phenomenon for yourself, press play on your laser disc copy of Twister and start reading the pdf. version of the Mueller report the moment the Warner Bros. logo appears on screen. Here are some of the weird — perhaps intended — coincidences you’ll notice:

Twister: The Warner Bros. logo appears and is soon engulfed by ominous clouds.
Mueller Report: This report is submitted to the Attorney General pursuant to 28 C.F.R. which states that, “[a]t the conclusion of the Special Counsel’s work, he . . . shall provide the AttorneyGeneral a confidential report explaining the prosecution or declination decisions [the SpecialCounsel] reached.” (page 1)

Twister: As the weather worsens and a tornado looms, young Helen Hunt and her family make their escape to a nearby, underground shelter. Once inside, Hunt’s father struggles in vain to keep the storm from ripping the shelter door off its hinges. The door flies off, pulling the father with it as Hunt and her mother scream in horror.
Mueller Report: “… while the investigation identified numerous links between individuals with ties to the Russian government and individuals associated with the Trump Campaign, the evidence was not sufficient to support criminal charges.” (page 9)

Twister: Inside the National Sever Storm Laboratory, scientists monitor storm activity in western Oklahoma. “This is going to be a long day.”
Mueller Report: “Accordingly, while this report embodies factual and legal determinations that the Office believes to be accurate and complete to the greatest extent possible, given these identified gaps, the Office cannot rule out the possibility that the unavailable information would shed additional light on (or cast in a new light) the events described in the report.” (page 18)

Twister: Bill Paxton introduces Jami Gertz to the team of storm-chasers: “Dusty, why don’t you explain to Melissa…why you are the way you are.”
Mueller Report: “Like collusion, “coordination” does not have a settled definition in federal criminal law. We understood coordination to require an agreement—tacit or express—between the Trump Campaign and the Russian government on election interference. That requires more than the two parties taking actions that were informed by or responsive to the other’s actions or interests.” (Page 10)

Twister: Helen Hunt: “It’s the biggest series of storms in twelve years. One lined up after another”
Mueller Report: “By the end of the 2016 U.S. election, the IRA had the ability to reach millions of U.S. persons through their social media accounts. Multiple IRA-controlled Facebook groups and Instagram accounts had hundreds of thousands of U.S. participants. IRA-controlled Twitter accounts separately had tens of thousands of followers, including multiple U.S. political figures who retweeted IRA-created content.” (pages 22 – 23)

Twister: The team scrambles to chase a tornado that is about to touch down. Bill Paxton and Jami Gertz follow in pursuit: “Come on. If we hurry we can still catch them.”
Mueller Report: “In addition to targeting individuals involved in the Clinton Campaign, GRU officers also targeted individuals and entities involved in the administration of the elections. Victims included U.S. state and local entities, such as state boards of elections (SBOEs), secretaries of state, and county governments, as well as individuals who worked for those entities.” (page 58)

Twister: Bill Paxton confronts Cary Elwes about stealing his design for a tornado sensor or some shit. “What’d you think, I wouldn’t find out about this?”
Mueller Report: “Similarly, in November 2016, the GRU sent spear phishing emails to over 120 email accounts used by Florida county officials responsible for administering the 2016 U.S. election. The spear phishing emails contained an attached Word document coded with malicious software (commonly referred to as a Trojan) that permitted the GRU to access the infected computer…the Office did not independently verify that belief and, as explained above, did not undertake the investigative steps that would have been necessary to do so.” (page 59)

Twister: Cary Elwes: “This storm is going to be a lot bigger than we anticipated”
Mueller Report: “Unit 74455 also sent spear phishing emails to public officials involved in election administration and personnel at companies involved in voting technology. In August 2016, GRU officers targeted employees of REDACTED, a voting technology company that developed software used by numerous U.S. counties to manage voter rolls, and installed malware on the company network.” (page 59)

Twister: Helen Hunt to Jamie Gertz: “If you have to pee, you should do it now because there’s not many places to stop once we get on the road”
Mueller Report: “Cohen was the only Trump Organization representative to negotiate directly with I.C. Expert or its agents. In approximately September 2015, Cohen obtained approval to negotiate with [Russian real estate development corporation] I.C. Expert from candidate Trump, who was then president of the Trump Organization. Cohen provided updates directly to Trump about the project throughout 2015 and into 2016, assuring him the project was continuing. Cohen also discussed the Trump Moscow project with Ivanka Trump as to design elements (such as possible architects to use for the project) and Donald J. Trump Jr. (about his experience in Moscow and possible involvement in the project) during the fall of 2015.” (page 77)

Twister: Helen Hunt: “Cow!”
Mueller Report: “Even assuming that the promised “documents and information that would incriminate Hillary” constitute a “thing of value” under campaign-finance law, the government would encounter other challenges in seeking to obtain and sustain a conviction. Most significantly, the government has not obtained admissible evidence that is likely to establish the scienter requirement beyond a reasonable doubt.” (page 195)

Twister: Rabbit: “You know, in a severe lightning storm you want to grab your ankles and stick your butt in the air.” Haynes: ”He’s right. If you’re going to get hit, it’s the safest orifice”
Mueller Report: “Accordingly, while this report does not conclude that the President committed a crime, it also does not exonerate him.” (page 214)

Twister: Joey: “This is the one. I feel it.”
Mueller Report: “After the FBI searched Cohen’s home and office in April 2018, the President publicly asserted that Cohen would not “flip,” contacted him directly to tell him to “stay strong,” and privately passed messages of support to him. Cohen also discussed pardons with the President’s personal counsel and believed that if he stayed on message he would be taken care of. But after Cohen began cooperating with the government in the summer of 2018, the President publicly criticized him, called him a “rat,” and suggested that his family members had committed crimes.” (page 218)

Twister: Bill Paxton to Helen Hunt: “When’s it going to be enough?!”
Mueller Report: “Although the obstruction statutes do not require proof of such a crime, the absence of that evidence affects the analysis of the President’s intent and requires consideration of other possible motives for his conduct.” (page 219)

Twister: The team of storm-chasers is at a Drive-in theater playing Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining.  The demonic twins in The Shining: “Come play with us.”
(at this point you need to return to page 218 in the report to really convince yourself you are reading what you are reading)
Mueller Report: “In addition, the President had a motive to put the FBI’s Russia investigation behind him. The evidence does not establish that the termination of Comey was designed to cover up a conspiracy between the Trump Campaign and Russia: As described in Volume I, the evidence uncovered in the investigation did not establish that the President or those close to him were involved in the charged Russian computer-hacking or active-measure conspiracies, or that the President otherwise had an unlawful relationship with any Russian official. But the evidence does indicate that a thorough FBI investigation would uncover facts about the campaign and the President personally that the President could have understood to be crimes or that would give rise to personal and political concerns.” (page 218)

Twister: The storm-chasers arrive in a town decimated by a tornado. Helen Hunt: “They had no warning.”
Mueller Report: “When a reporter indicated that the “vast majority” of FBI agents supported Comey, Sanders said, “Look, we’ve heard from countless members of the FBI that say very different things.” Following the press conference, Sanders spoke to the President, who told her she did a good job and did not point out any inaccuracies in her comments. Sanders told this Office that her reference to hearing from “countless members of the FBI” was a “slip of the tongue.” (page 284)

Twister: An oil tanker is lifted in the air by a tornado and explodes in the road directly in front of Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt’s truck, forcing them to drive straight through it.
Mueller Report: “According to notes written by Hunt, when Sessions told the President that a Special Counsel had been appointed, the President slumped back in his chair and said, “Oh my God. This is terrible. This is the end of my Presidency. I’m f***ed.”” (page 290)

Twister: A detached radio tower slams through the windshield, killing Eddie. Camera then on Helen Hunt and Bill Paxton, as they watch Cary Elwes’ car crash and explode. 
Mueller Report: “According to Hunt, in light of the President’s frequent public attacks, Sessions prepared another resignation letter and for the rest of the year carried it with him in his pocket every time he went to the White House.” (page 308)

Twister: Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt try to escape the tornado’s wrath by hiding in a barn full of sharp and dangerous tools. Helen Hunt: “Oh my god, who are these people?”
Mueller Report: “Because Porter knew [Rachel] Brand, the President asked him to sound her out about taking responsibility for the investigation and being Attorney General. Contemporaneous notes taken by Porter show that the President told Porter to “Keep in touch with your friend,” in reference to Brand. Later, the President asked Porter a few times in passing whether he had spoken to Brand, but Porter did not reach out to her because he was uncomfortable with the task.” (page 320)

Twister: Bill Paxton and Helen Hunt survey the damage left by the tornado. Helen Hunt: “Look at that. It didn’t take the house.”
Mueller Report: “I have no recollection of being told during the campaign that any foreign government or foreign leader had provided, wished to provide, or offered to provide tangible support to my campaign.” (page 431)

Twister: Helen Hunt: “You know, I think we’ve seen enough.”
Mueller Report: Harm to Ongoing Matter (page 448)

Twister: The camera widens and we see the path of destruction left behind 
Mueller Report: The pdf. ends and we see the path of destruction left behind (page 448)

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