U.S. Soccer Pre-Approved Celebrations For Women

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“U.S. team has drawn some criticism for its goal celebrations in France. First it was the repeated celebrations after every goal in a 13-0 rout of Thailand, which some said were unsportsmanlike. Carli Lloyd responded in the next game with a golf clap after her goal.” –
New York Times

Here at U.S. Soccer headquarters, we are momentarily stepping away from our class-action lawsuit alleging we don’t pay the U.S. Women’s National team enough, to say we are shocked and embarrassed that members of the U.S. Women’s National Team celebrated after scoring a goal. It sends the nasty message, “I want to win”, instead of focusing on the sportsmanship and camaraderie of the game. If winning was so important, then we’d pay the women more.

To avoid future missteps, we wanted to provide the U.S. Women’s National Team a list of pre-approved celebrations. We offer historical male celebrations and female versions of each celebration.

A man said, “I am the greatest fighter that ever lived!”

Quietly ask, “Sorry, may I please use my teamwork skills to help the team?”

A man shushed the crowd after he scored.

After you score, start a speech and let the men in the crowd interrupt you.

A man thanked God after he scored.

Don’t arrogantly assume you know and can talk directly to the one true god. Ask if a god is there and if a god answers, then you need to apologize for taking up his time.

A man gestured to suggest he had “ice in his veins”. 

Bring out an ice pack to tend to your opponent’s injuries. Tell them how sorry you are that they got hurt.

A man, Terrell Owens, brought a Sharpie to autograph the ball after he scored.

Don’t be that person who always needs credit for their own work. After you score, take out a Sharpie and sign Terrell Owens’ name. While you’ve got that pen out make sure to add, “I’m so sorry my cursive is messy. Hopefully you can still read it. Sorry again!”

A man grabbed his penis when he scored.

After you score a goal tell the crowd if you plan to have children and lay out a detailed plan for how you will achieve work-life balance. Make sure to apologize to both your future kids and future teammates that for being imperfect.

A man raised his arms above his head signaling, “I won.”

Raise your arms to a 90-degree angle to hug and embrace your opponent. Say, “I’m so sorry that I won. This is so embarrassing because you’re so good at soccer too.”

Men made a dog-pile to celebrate their victory.

Huddle with other members of the U.S. Women’s National Team and apologize for existing. Your talent, skill, and popularity are ruining the patriarchy.

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