Please stop referring to me to your friends as the one-eyed monster of the apps. My name is Todd, and I live in South Williamsburg. I really love my neighborhood. The neighborhood doesn’t love me, which I understand. In fact, there have been several signs put up near my bulding, that say, “Brooklyn monster afoot.” I try to ignore them. After all, my neighbors don’t mean any harm. But what they don’t realize is, neither do I! Other than having one eye in the center of my head, I’m a very normal, nice, dateable fella. Some ladies might call me a catch!
But they don’t. Based on the luck I’ve had with online dating, it’s clear that women can’t get past the whole, “I’m a cyclops thing.” I’d hoped that Brooklyn women would be a little more open-minded in the face of my face, but I rarely match with anyone online. Sigh. On the rare occassion that someone does swipe right on me, the conversation usually goes a little something like this.
Lady: Hey, cool costume.
Me: Oh, it’s not a costume. I’m actually a cyclops.
Me: Is that a problem for you?
Lady: No! Of course not! I’m from Brooklyn!
Me: Really? It usually freaks people out.
Lady: I think it’s great. YOU’RE GREAT.
Me: Cool! Wanna meet for a drink?
And then…nothing. These secretly close-minded Brooklynites just ghost me. More often than not, they block me. I try to tell myself that it’s because they’re busy, forgot about me, or got back together with their ex, but I know deep down, it’s because of the cyclops thing.
It really is a shame. Other than the top half of my face, I’m a fairly good looking guy. I have a perky, rosy set of lips, a chin dimple, and a muscular torso. I can bench press 250 lbs and you could bounce a quarter off my ass if you wanted to. I used to frequent to the Equinox in central Williamsburg, but an “anti monster” petition was circulated to get me banned. Again, hurtful, but I understand.
It’s not all bad though. Sometimes people swipe right, but for the wrong reasons. With those women, the conversation goes something like this:
Lady: I’ve always wanted to make love to a Brooklyn freak.
Me: Well, I’m not a freak. I am a regular guy who just happens to have one eye.
Lady: Come on. What are you, in the circus?
Me: No. I actually work for a fairly prestigious investment firm. What do you do?
Lady: You’re not serious.
Me: Yep, I’m a just an average Joe.
Lady: Right. Have you ever thought of joining the circus?
Me: NO! Okay? And I don’t want to make love to a woman who only wants me for my eye!
In this case, I blocked HER. I am NOT someone’s fetish.
When I do get to be romantic, it’s confusing. Having one eye makes me tear up a lot, so women think I cry easily, which freaks them out. Whenever I blink, people think I’m winking, which alienates them even further. Sadly, ladies find it difficult to stare deeply into just one eye. It’s too intense, they say. On the bright side, it’s hard for me to stare at other women, due to my lack of peripheral vision. Plus, I won’t steal your glasses.
It’s upsetting that people are so shallow. I listed a myriad of intersts on my tinder profile! I love composting, thrifting, playing ukelele at sunset, picnicking, hiking, and Father John Misty. Still, women seem to become fixated on my one flaw.
I hate myself for saying this, but I’m thinking about getting a second eye. The surgery is outrageously expensive, but at this rate, I’m starting to feel like a monster.
Which I’m not! So please swipe right on me. Perhaps the conversation could go a little something like this.
Woman: I saw that you work in finance. Me too! Also, great photo of you playing the uke. Love the purple sunset in the background.
Me: Wow. Thanks! I see that you’re a FJM fan. He’s my man crush all right.
Woman: Me too! That is, aside from you.
Me: Haha, I’m flattered. You sure everything about me is okay?
Woman: If you’re talking about the fact that you’re a cyclops, TOTALLY COOL. I used to date a minataur. Wanna get a drink soon?
That’d be a dream, all right. But hey, if I’m being honest, if YOU had a fish in your profile, I’d swipe left. I get to judge too!