New Additions To The Trump Online Store

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After introducing Trump Plastic Straws to combat the tyranny of “liberal paper straws that fall apart within minutes,” the Trump 2020 online store is proud to introduce the following new products:

Trump Disposable Sporks

Democrats want to force you to choose a fork or spoon and then waste precious time washing it, but Donald Trump knows you can eat anything with a spork. And when you’re done? Just throw it out and keep eating with your hands! ★ $29 for a pack of two

Trump Styrofoam Pellets

Make Packing Materials Great Again with these unique styrofoam pellets designed to never break down (unlike the social order in Sanctuary Cities). Plus every bag of Trump Campaign Styrofoam Pellets comes packed in even more Trump Campaign Styrofoam Pellets so you can rest assured you won’t need to “Send Them Back” due to accidental damage while shipping. (Note: The Trump 2020 Campaign Store does not accept returns.) ★ $34.50 per bag

Trump Oil Lamps

Return to a time when real American Values were still cherished by oxygen-deprived Americans when you light your home with Trump Campaign Oil Lamps. Each lamp generates both a small amount of light and an even larger amount of toxic CO2 that the whole family will love. You’ll be laughing uncontrollably in no time and saving on your electric bill! ★ $129 per lamp

Trump Plastic Toilet Paper

Going #2 can finally help America become #1 again with the Trump Campaign’s Official Plastic Toilet Paper. This bright red roll of plastic sheeting has “Make America Great Again” printed on every square and is sure to make your bathroom the center of attention at your next Trump Rally Watch Party. And unlike liberal toilet paper, which is as flimsy as the Democrats’ policy proposals, Trump Campaign Plastic Toilet paper is guaranteed to be impossible to tear and will never biodegrade. (Not safe for septic systems or other forms of indoor plumbing.) ★ $59 per roll

Trump Misshapen Lumps of Rubber

Looking for the perfect conversation starter but don’t know if your guests are liberal snowflakes who can’t handle the truth about the ISIS refugees stealing our free healthcare? Try placing a Trump Campaign Misshapen Lump of Rubber on the coffee table and get ready for a lively debate about which member of Fox’s The Five most resembles this petroleum-based blob manufactured for no discernible purpose at all! ★ $249 each

Trump Conflict Diamonds

Give the gift Jared gives Ivanka every time he returns from successfully negotiating peace in the Middle East. These authentic Trump Campaign Conflict Diamonds are ethically sourced from real child labor camps in real Shithole Countries. Oh wait, did we say “ethically” sourced? We meant “ethnically” sourced. ★ $3,735 per diamond

Trump Raw Polar Bear Meat

The Fake News Media says “climate change” is killing the polar bears, but you can prove them wrong with this genuine slab of official Trump Campaign Raw Polar Bear Meat! Because if the polar bears are already dead, then how did we manage to shoot this one? (Note: Meat not refrigerated during shipping. Not recommended for human consumption.) ★ $215 per pound

Trump Seagull Oil

Coat your favorite bird in the finest all-American crude oil with a barrel of freshly-fracked Trump Campaign Seagull Oil! Guaranteed to be extra-flammable in case you decide to firebomb a church. Not that the Trump Campaign would condone such a thing (we’re just highlighting the many versatile uses of this extremely versatile accelerant). ★ $160 per ounce

Trump Dumpster Fire Starter Kit

Can’t get the thought of arson out of your head? The President, his campaign, and the web store certainly didn’t put it there, but come to think of it who wouldn’t enjoy starting their own dumpster fire? This DIY kit contains more than enough shredded tax returns, intelligence reports, and legal findings from the Justice Department to set any dumpster ablaze. ★ Free with your purchase of $400 or more in Trump Campaign Official Merchandise. Just promise us you’ll burn it as soon as possible!

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