by Connett Croghan
Let’s get one thing straight. I am a proud libertarian, and like all libertarians, I am a junior in college.
While it’s true that I need no introduction to politics, I joined this class for several reasons. First: I could speak loudly (definitely not yelling) about my belief that every person is their own country and therefore they can not be governed unless they make ME uncomfortable as much as I wanted without getting asked to leave a party thrown by the improv team who basically acted like Antifa with the way they silenced my free speech. Second: it’s mostly freshmen taking the class, and in my experience, people who have not developed their own views are much more likely to listen to me monologue about how in the last two elections the media unfairly painted The Pauls (Ron and Rand) (though I do love Logan and Jake) as crazy idiots while the grad student teaching the discussion section essentially just gives up on trying to teach that day. Third: only Freshman girls will consider dating me, and I am incredibly lonely.
This class is stupid, though, right? Like it’s such bullshit. When I saw the class was called “Introduction to Comparative Politics,” I figured the class would be about everyone comparing their political views with each other and at the end of the class realizing mine were superior and genius. But it just ended up being a class comparing governmental structures and party systems of different countries, which makes it really hard to bring up the fact that I think CEOs should be able to spank any governmental figure that imposes environmental sanctions on their company. I mean, I do it anyway; I just find it difficult with this bogus material. I mean how tone deaf can this class be? Why are we talking about the governments of OTHER countries when I am really craving attention in OUR OWN country? But that’s liberal universities for you: out of touch with real Americans.
Yeeeah… I don’t go to lecture. That shit is boring. I mean I do go on days that we have like a quiz or a test obviously. But why go to lecture when I can just text you or any other girl in the class using the contact sheet our TA added to Google Docs, saying things like, “Do you have the notes for today?” or “Do you think it will be important to go to class tomorrow?” or “Do we have homework? Lol just noticed it’s 3 AM. Are you out? I can come meet you… I’m actually really funny.” This works way better than going to lecture because not only do I get the information I need, I also get to feel like we are a part of each other’s lives in some way (a sensation I rarely feel).
Look, I know that you’re doing really well in the class and it’s your major and everything, and you keep telling me things like, “This is an introductory politics class. They’re making it pretty easy on purpose,” but I do BAD on the tests. Like really bad. None of this, however, will stop me from talking over you and treating you like you are really dumb in discussion section. In my defense: my brain just doesn’t work right. You may have noticed that when we were talking about how Germany’s government runs on a mixed-member proportional representative system, and I raised my hand and quoted the last sentence of my tinder bio saying, “I believe two men should be able to wed… and also protect their home with an automatic rifle while smoking pot and paying no taxes because taxes, my friend, are theft!,” seemingly out of nowhere.
But that’s just me. And I like who I am. Us libertarians may seem like really complex 21 year old white guys, but our philosophy is simple. We want limited government. If you’re a family in Ohio, you should be left alone by the government. If you’re a small business who refuses service to a minority group, you should be left alone by the government. Me? I shouldn’t be left alone by anyone because that shit scares me.
So what do you say? Would you like to go to the barcade downtown with me? I know you’re 18 and can’t get in, but you can use my sister’s old ID (you look a lot like her, which rules). If not, no sweat. I’ll just be incredibly condescending to you in class and reply mean things to your social media posts for the rest of the semester, but honestly, I was definitely going to do that no matter what.