An Open Letter To The Ghost Living In My Attic

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Dear Mr Ghost, 

While I am aware that you have been residing in this house far longer than I, recently it has begun to feel as if you are overstaying your welcome. I understand that you may have unfinished business within this plane of existence but do you really have to reside in my attic? And do you really have to shout, “Get out of my house you ugly witch” at 2 a.m. every night? 

Okay sure some of our experiences together have been good, like that time two years ago when you threatened to possess that one night stand who refused to leave until I gave him scrambled eggs. But I couldn’t help but wish you had possessed him and left when the following week you decided it would be funny to set my wardrobe on fire, destroying everything inside it, including the dress I was supposed to wear for my nephew’s christening the next morning. To this day my brother is still refusing to return my calls, apparently ‘the ghost who lives in my attic destroyed all my clothes’ was not a valid excuse to miss his son’s christening. 

It was also not funny when you decided to yodel for 48 hours straight. I got so many noise complaints and now all the neighbours refer to me as ‘the yodelling bitch’ and I’ve been uninvited from all the neighbourhood barbeques. Never again will I taste Julie’s homemade veggie burgers or Neil’s potato salad, and that is all thanks to you. 

I do understand that you were brutally murdered on your 26th birthday in this very attic (as you have now told me a grand total of 201 times). And while you do have my utmost sympathy for this, I’m not entirely sure why a murder that happened 200 years ago should impact my life this much. Even if you want revenge, the person who murdered you will be long dead now. Why don’t you go and find them in the afterlife, or go to whatever location they are haunting and get revenge there? 

Even if you really must stay for whatever reason can you at least me a better roommate? I am quite tired of being possessed every time I cook some spaghetti (seriously, what is your problem with spaghetti? You don’t possess me when I cook penne or macaroni!) I would also like to be able to bring dates home with me without fear that you will pour a bucket of water of their head in the middle of the night, as you did with Paul, or tell them they look like they ‘have the devil inside of them’ like you said to Stephen. 

Look, I am very sorry it has come to this but if you do not change your behaviour, I will be forced to contact a ghost hunter or exorcist, and I am quite sure you will not like that at all. 

From your fed up roommate, 
P.S. Do you really have to make the attic smell so much of sulphur? 

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