
by Maggie Lalley and Amamah Sardar by
- Throw up instantly and make him clean it up.
- Say ‘OMG YES!’ and then don’t move or speak for the next 24 hours.
- When he asks what comedy is like start showing him National Geographic videos of elephant seals fighting and bears clawing at one another.
- Send him a list of non-existent open mics. Think abandoned buildings, dangerous alleys, that beach on Long Island where people went missing.
- Tell him that he seems like less of a stand up and more of an unassuming novelist.
- Stage a family tragedy that requires he be by your side at all times.
- Stop fucking him.
- Cross out his name at open mics because you guys of course keep fucking.
- Stage your own suicide and attribute your death to his decision to begin comedy.
- Fuck his friends.
- Cross out their names at open mics because you of course keep fucking them.
- Convince him that another man doing comedy is legally a hate crime.
- Secretly send out business school applications in his name. The submission fee is worth it!
- Take his money out of his account so he can have a true ‘artistic experience.’
- Read one of his jokes and immediately asphyxiate.
- Go to one of his open mics and shout out “I’m banging that little-peen bucko!” when he goes on stage.
- Heckle him while he performs cunnilingus to “prepare him.”
- Tell him to start a podcast and give him a broken mic and toy recorder.
- Tell him that it’s good idea to start a weekly show at a toxic construction site.
- Tell him that having sex with club bookers is the only way to get passed.
- Find his birth father, invite him to do a roast battle against his son and then have him leave immediately.
- Die.
- Kill him.