by Maggie Lalley and Amamah Sardar by

1. Throw up instantly and make him clean it up.
2. Say ‘OMG YES!’ and then don’t move or speak for the next 24 hours. 
3. When he asks what comedy is like start showing him National Geographic videos of elephant seals fighting and bears clawing at one another.
4. Send him a list of non-existent open mics. Think abandoned buildings, dangerous alleys, that beach on Long Island where people went missing.
5. Tell him that he seems like less of a stand up and more of an unassuming novelist.
6. Stage a family tragedy that requires he be by your side at all times.
7. Stop fucking him. 
8. Cross out his name at open mics because you guys of course keep fucking. 
9. Stage your own suicide and attribute your death to his decision to begin comedy.
10. Fuck his friends. 
11. Cross out their names at open mics because you of course keep fucking them. 
12. Convince him that another man doing comedy is legally a hate crime.
13. Secretly send out business school applications in his name. The submission fee is worth it! 
14. Take his money out of his account so he can have a true ‘artistic experience.’
15. Read one of his jokes and immediately asphyxiate.
16. Go to one of his open mics and shout out “I’m banging that little-peen bucko!” when he goes on stage.
17. Heckle him while he performs cunnilingus to “prepare him.” 
18. Tell him to start a podcast and give him a broken mic and toy recorder. 
19. Tell him that it’s good idea to start a weekly show at a toxic construction site. 
20. Tell him that having sex with club bookers is the only way to get passed.
21. Find his birth father, invite him to do a roast battle against his son and then have him leave immediately.
22. Die.
23. Kill him.