Hi everyone! Last week, Tony sent out a tweet that was like, “Hey, does anybody know of any lady comics in New York?” And all these women who think they’re funny and have these HUGE Twitter followings replied, so Tony has started booking some of them. Since we haven’t had many lady comics here (except Sandy, you don’t count Sandy), we want them to feel as welcome as possible. So I’m introducing a COMPREHENSIVE PLAN to make this club more friendly for the ladies. Here’s the lowdown.
Two New No-Nos
While performing, please show your naked penis to the audience for comedy reasons ONLY. Also, comics will no longer be allowed to ejaculate on ANY member of the audience, no exceptions.
Changes To The Audition Process
During improv auditions, we will no longer ask trying-out women to mime giving a blumpkin on their male partners. Instead, the women will receive the blumpkin from the men.
Now You Have Tampons
As our unofficial handyman Sandy found out, the size and structural integrity of the ladies room doesn’t allow for a tampon machine. But I talked to my guy at the bodega across the street, and he’s agreed to let me sell tampons to you through him, $1 apiece or three for $2. Just ask for the “lady loosies” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.
New Mentorship Program!
We want all these new women comics to get a leg-up in a way that’s respectful. So if you’re a beginning female comic and you do NOT want to have sex with an older guy who will also show you the ropes and introduce you to important people in the industry, please email me and I’ll add you to the “no bang” list right away (this is especially important if you’re particularly hot). Once you’re on the No Bang List, the guys will then know you don’t want a mentor. (Please note: Some girls have asked if they could add themselves to just one or two of the older comics’ “No Bang” lists and obviously we can’t do that, because that wouldn’t be fair.)
Your Customers Can Now Walk Out on Their Checks
Instead of asking comics to be sensitive to the needs of their audience members, it’s much easier to tell people with trauma to go the hell away! In this spirit, we’re allowing traumatized audience members to get up in the middle of the show in front of everyone and walk out on their checks. So if your set has a lot of rape jokes, please be extra-nice to the waitresses—especially the ones who are rape survivors themselves! They won’t be receiving any tips from their walk-out customers.
Did you know that the average single mother in America spends 52.7 percent of her income on childcare? Well, to even-out the playing field for comics with kids, we’re partnering with a local nanny service to have nannies on-call during those latenight hours when you’re at the club—and we’re paying half your cost! …. JUST KIDDING! Oh my god, did you think I was serious? This was just to remind you ladies that your snotty kids aren’t welcome here.
So first of all, we just wanted to remind you that every room in the club has two exits: a door, and a window. Just like with a fire, if a naked guy is blocking one exit, maybe jerking off or whatever, what do you do? That’s right: go out the other exit. It’s not that hard. (Please just be aware that using a fire escape for any reason other than fire isn’t covered by our liability insurance. If you slip, that’s on you.)
Thanks everybody! As a reminder, nobody takes the stage until they’ve approached 500 tourists in Times Square asking them if they like comedy! Please let Tony know if you need more flyers.