Move To The Suburbs And Get So Much Stuff Bro

Photo by David McBee on

Buy a House
You found a girl and wifed her. Nice job, bro! Your suburban adventure begins with a new house so you’ll finally have enough room.

Make an IKEA Run
The new house needs to be furnished, but bro beware. Marital bickering can break out at any moment in IKEA and you don’t want to have to sleep on that new couch.

Purchase a Car
No more public transportation for you, bro. A four-wheel drive might be a gas guzzler but you deserve the splurge. After all bro, it was you who made it through the college classes your parents paid for.

Get a Dog
You have a yard and room for man’s best friend. Bro, how funny would it have been if at your wedding you had a dog be your best man!? Classic!

Install an Air Conditioner
It might be 88 degrees outside but bro, with a good AC unit you can set the temp to 69. Nice!

Subscribe to Cable
A lot of the things you’re doing will supposedly cause global warming. With a cable subscription you can have the bros on Fox News reassure you that you’re not a problem to anyone.

Have Two Kids
Two daughters! Congrats on being surrounded by all chicks bro! Hold up, are those tears, bro? You’re crying but you’re happy? So you feel multiple emotions at once? Weird flex, bro.

Buy a New Boat
You’re putting family first but buying a boat will allow you to keep the flame burning in your bromances. Sure, there aren’t any bodies of water near you but a couple of days a year you’ll be able to get some brew-skis with your bro-skis while on water skis.

Stock Up on Groceries from Costco
The genetically modified grapes are as big as apples, bro! Plus, they were able to get rid of that gross grape flavor.

Use a Coupon for Kirkland Signature Supreme Diapers from Costco
Holy crap bro, the 198 count is a great deal. LMAO, get it? No seriously, bro, that’s amazing that you’re trying to do more of the housework for your family. You’re like the Dave Matthews Band Live at Red Rocks of Dads.

Declutter Your Junk
No offense bro, but you have too much stuff now. Your problem is you only have one house. The first step is you need to build and stash things in a doghouse, doll house, and boat house ASAP.

Hire Marie Kondo
The second step is to only keep stuff that makes you happy. Hire Marie Kondo as a consultant to help determine what sparks joy for you bro. What’s that? All of it sparks joy? That’s so legit because all the belongings have memories attached to them. You’ll never forget that semi-annual Brooks Brothers sale when you got 35% off on oxford shirts.  From the outside people might just see gingham, but they don’t see the smile that lit up the whole showroom when you were in the checkout line. Nothing but sweet memories and mad respect bro.

Build a Guest House
By helping you figure out everything that sparked joy, Marie Kondo sparked joy. You need to invest in that relationship and keep her on the premises bro. Build her a guest house so she can be an honorary bro indefinitely.

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