Dear Loyal Equinox Members,
In height of recent news that Equinox majority owner Stephen Ross hosted a re-election fundraiser for President Donald Trump, the triggered, SJW liberal members have canceled their memberships. Instead of panicking because Equinox was always branded as a “woke” luxury gym catered to the Coastal Elites, we are now fully committed to supporting our newly realized demographic: The Deplorables. Equinox welcomes you to our rebranded fitness classes inspired by your MAGA enthusiasm. Enjoy!
Politically Heated Vinyasa Yoga
A base temperature of 85-90 degrees will help release toxins from pent-up hatred toward liberal snowflakes and encourage a deep connection to breath through toxic masculinity. If you like to sweat and release massive amounts of unjustified anger, this class is for you.
Prove You’re Not Racist ZUMBA®
Prove you’re not racist with a dynamic, absolutely not-racist workout from Equinox Zumba® classes. If you were racist, you wouldn’t be taking a Zumba® class featuring popular Latin music (from the drug-infested south of the boarder)! Sweating through this high-energy class settles once-and-for-all that you’re not racist.
Swim for Salvation Aqua Class
Your swim game is as strong as your unwavering faith. Challenge your skills in an advanced swim class while an instructor screams cherry-picked bible verses at you. Think of this class as one giant sacred cleansing of any deep-seeded guilt you might have.
2nd Amendment Boxing
Put down your AR-15s, because this class is just you, your (arm) guns, and your own killer instinct, set to an explosive Kid Rock playlist. This one-of-a-kind class will train you for when Antifa tries to take away your actual guns, which is an actual possibility. Plus, your (arm) guns will look sick holding your (real) guns.
No Homo Barre
Realize the dream of the dancer’s body without anyone assuming you’re gay. Combine precise techniques with athletic intensity for a total body workout, and take a pledge at the end promising the ballet-inspired workout did not turn you gay. You’re definitely not gay (or racist).
Border Wall Bouldering
Climbing warriors, meet your match: our true-to-size Trump Boarder Wall replica is not for the weak-minded. You will mount up to 30 feet on this demanding route, all the while convinced you’re on the right side of history. Ultimately, you’ll build confidence in yourself, and confidence that the Trump Wall will solve all of your problems.
You and Baby will bond during this low-impact strength and cardio workout that incorporates inner core exercises and lectures on raising your child within the confines of rigid gender stereotypes. Prenatal class is offered after the very moment of conception.
Administrative Note: If you have an a******* or miscarriage at any point during your pregnancy, or have ever thought you weren’t financially or emotionally secure enough to have a baby, consider your membership revoked and personal information distributed to the Equinox community to publicly shame you as they see fit, you whore.
The National Anthem Cycle Session
Turn your cycling up a notch with a patriotic music-fueled indoor ride. Prove your unwavering loyalty to MAGA while biking to the beat of our National Anthem on repeat, plus some Kid Rock favorites, in a sequence tailored to take you on a journey as challenging as convincing literally anyone that you are not racist!