Facebook was created to bring people closer together, to feel a connection to someone even when you’re miles away.
When you first signed up, getting a friend request felt like shooting heroin. The feeling was addictive. Someone wanted to be your friend. Yours.
Now it’s like, enough. You don’t need more people’s ugly kids and political rants on your feed. If someone wants to be your friend, they’re gonna have to sweat it out while you decide if they deserve to know you cut your hair last month.
In case you forgot, here are some friendly faces you may recognize from your friend request queue:
Ryan, the guy who rejected you in high school.
Mutual friends: 92
He wants to friend you after he saw you at your 10-year reunion and finally realized braces and your obsession with Sailor Moon don’t last forever. But wait, eager beaver; before you go click “accept,” let’s not forget that time sophomore year when he stole a tampon out of your bag and swung it around telling everyone you’re on your rag.
Monica, the mother of the kids you babysit.
Mutual friends: 0
You’ve known Monica for five years, and she and the kids adore you. She tried to friend you when you first met, but you wanted to keep your personal and professional lives separate. But after five years, you figure you guys can finally be friends. Why not? You have nothing to hide…as long as she doesn’t check your activity prior to 2012.
Stephanie, your lab partner from freshman year bio.
Mutual friends: 103
You promised you two would grab lunch sometime, until you realized you have absolutely nothing in common besides a nearly-passing grade and the hots for your professor. Now eight years post-grad, Stephanie wants to rekindle your “friendship” after you ran into each other at Barnes and Noble. But be warned: she’s a stay-at-home mom with four kids and nothing but free time.
Vicky, your mom’s best friend whom you haven’t seen since you were 11.
Mutual friends: 2
Last you heard, she’s a Mary Kay ambassador, and is looking for recruits to join her team. She caught wind from your mom that you were having trouble finding a job, so she wanted to help you become a part of the “greatest and most fulfilling experience of her life.” Also on her list of “fulfilling experiences” are selling Herbalife shakes, promoting products for Rodan + Fields, and being a sponsor for Lularoe.
Josh, the co-worker you sat across from before he quit three weeks later.
Mutual friends: 14
You guys hit it off right away when you became desk mates, bonding over your love for Game Show Network and The B-52’s. You were super bummed when he quit. He seemed like a pretty cool guy, and you really thought he was close to asking you out. Little did you know that he quit before the company could fire him for sleeping with the CEO.
And of course, Davis, your best friend’s cousin, the guy you lost your virginity to.
Mutual friends: 24
Ah, Davis. The guy who described taking your virginity as a “spiritual experience.” It feels like just yesterday that he sliced your pie in the back of his mom’s Subaru. You haven’t seen each other since you two dipped the crane in the oil well after senior prom, where he offered to read your energy while you blew him. It’s probably best you let this one go.