Most Helpful Responses to “I Don’t Drink”

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  • But it’s good for you.
  • Let me tell you why you don’t have a drinking problem
  •  Let me tell you why I don’t have a drinking problem.
  • But you don’t need to lose weight.
  • I’m going to quit in like four months. 
  • So you’re an alcoholic? Explain and label yourself!
  • It’s totally a myth that you can’t drink on antibiotics. 
  • My friend Katie doesn’t drink either, and…we don’t see her anymore.
  • Why?
  • Didn’t you read the New York Times study on how drinking 2 ounces of red wine/month could prevent the loss of forearm hair in mice? 
  • You used to drink. Change is uncomfortable for me. Did you even consider that?
  • Did your skin improve instantaneously, because if not, why are we even alive?
  • Who are you, Gwyneth Paltrow? Wait, are you really? Would you sign my jade egg?
  • It’s just a glass of wine.
  • I think it’s fun that you move through guys so quickly, though.
  • So you’re keeping the baby?
  • What, so you’ll take B12 supplements but you won’t drink? Drugs are drugs.
  • Is this a permanent thing? What are you going to do at weddings? What about funerals? What if we find ourselves in an apocalyptic scenario and the only remaining source of calories is Miller Lite? Have you even thought about that? Have you even thought about how this makes me feel?
  • Trump doesn’t drink either.
  • Have you considered meditating instead?
  • Please stop making this about me and my drinking by talking exclusively about you and your drinking, and by talking, I mean by saying three words about it.
  • Sugar is the real culprit.
  • I saw your smoke a cigarette once in college, so don’t try to pretend your some kind of angel.
  • It’s just one 40 of beer.
  • Do you not love me enough to drink at my birthday party?
  • Not to point fingers, but no.
  • Are you still gluten-free? I need to keep track of all your lifestyle choices so that I can keep track of who’s winning. I’m paleo, BTW.
  • Can you please not say something so blasphemous in front of my kids?
  • Stop being sober at me!!
  • It’s nice that your life is so easy that you’re able to make changes like this.
  • Good, we were all looking forward to you being more socially awkward.
  • So you think you’re better than me?
  • It’s just a tray of shots.
  • I worked out today. And yesterday.
  • Can you tell me the worst thing you ever did when drunk, and then I’ll tell you the worst thing I did, and then you’ll tell me how the thing that you did is way worse than the thing that I did? Because those kids didn’t even really like their bikes, you know? 
  • I’ve never hit a rock bottom. Sucks that you obviously have.
  • Can we make this about me and how much I drink? Because it’s not a lot. 
  • Way to make a big deal out of it. I mean, I only offered you wine seven times, you could have just said ‘no thanks’ instead of being like “blah blah blah blah blah I’m not drinking cause I’m a butt.” 
  • Honey, we’re all tired and depressed, but maybe you should find a way to fix that that doesn’t threaten literally everyone around you.
  • This is about me.
  • But MY drinking…
  • Why are you judging me???
  • Your personal choices are an attack on my lifestyle!
  • I will dox your family. Just sayin’
  • That was too far, I’m sorry. Can I buy you a drink to make up for it?

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