Do people without children have any business being at Disney World? One brave mother was so passionate on this topic that she took to Facebook to voice her opinion that, “It pisses me off TO NO END!!! when I see CHILDLESS COUPLES…AT DISNEY WORLD!!!” and, “People without CHILDREN need to be BANNED!!!” This whistleblower continues to exclaim at the horror of a childless woman who had the audacity to be in line to buy a Mickey Mouse pretzel (and in “some very SLUTTY shorts” no less). Without immature millennials like this pretzel skank, the line would have been short! Her 3-year-old would not have thrown a tantrum! And her husband would have suddenly stopped telling “that’s what she said” jokes!
While some naysayers have expressed indignation at the idea of banning people without children from Disney, we can’t deny that Disney World Debbie has a point. All of these weirdo millennials think they can forego having children and enjoy Disney World? Umm, nice try. Why don’t they take their hard-earned “wages” from their gig-economy “jobs” and go somewhere age-appropriate like back to grad school? Disney World Debbie didn’t go too far—she didn’t go far enough! Below are some other places that people without CHILDREN need to be BANNED!!!
Most families only get ONE beach vacation a year. That means the ocean needs to be devoted to little Ethan honing his INNATE TALENT FOR BOOGIE-BOARDING. Suzie also needs plenty of space on the beach to develop her TACTILE MOTOR SKILLS. Those childless snowflakes already have those skills, SO BEAT IT!
Any restaurant with a kids’ menu
These are our safe spaces as parents. I don’t want shocked looks from “women who are focusing on their careers” when my son screams at the top of his lungs that I am a bitch for taking away his iPad. And I especially don’t need their worried looks just because its Buy One Get One Daquiri at Chili’s and I’m on my 3rd Buy One Get One! WE WILL GET HOME FINE, thank you very much. They can go back to their farm to table “eateries” and leave the REAL AMERICANS to eat in peace!
Someone without a child cannot even FATHOM the magic of seeing your own child hitting her first hole-in-one or running into the fountain to retrieve his seventh lost ball. Sure, families sometimes hold up the line because children just like to watch the ball go back and forth, BUT THAT IS THEIR JOURNEY!!! This is a growth-mindset activity that will teach them PERSEVERANCE and PHYSICS. But these yahoos are only here to see what it’d be like to golf after EATING EDIBLES!!!!
The name AND logo represent a little girl named Wendy. ONLY A PERVERT would go there without their own child!
NO CHILDLESS MILLENNIAL HAS EVER SET FOOT IN A SUPERMARKET so this probably isn’t even necessary. But just in case Post Mates crashes, they’re not allowed HERE EITHER! Fresh food should be reserved for those who are ACTUALLY DOING THEIR PART to ensure the future of the human race.
Shopping malls from August 1st-September 30th
Parents train all year for back-to-school shopping. We risk our lives finding the best deals on SCHOOL shoes, PLAY shoes, BALLET shoes, SOCCER cleats, and SNOW boots, and we’ve only covered their feet! We don’t need a bunch of OVERGROWN TEENAGERS crowding the stores looking for “athleisure.” THEIR WHOLE LIVES ARE ATHLEISURE!
This is where children first fall in love with books. We parents need to cultivate this love into PERFECT SAT SCORES and SCHOLARSHIPS, so if my Graham finds it stimulating to scream-read his favorite book, I won’t stop him just because some “PRODUCERS” doing research for a true-crime podcast ask me to.
Ice cream parlors
Bribing children with ice cream is the only way to get them to eat vegetables, go to the dentist, or tell their friend’s parents THEY ONLY GET 30 MINUTES OF SCREEN TIME A DAY, so parents need EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS to ice cream parlors. Someone get the sluts on birth control AN ACAI BOWL INSTEAD!
I know that the strain of “adulting” can take a toll on millennials. But just because they managed to make a doctor’s appointment and pay their cell phone bill does not mean they should take to the playground to relive their youth. They need to step away from the swings and LET ACTUAL YOUTHS HAVE A TURN!!
I’m not trying to be MEAN, but what is the POINT of keeping a body HEALTHY if it doesn’t REPRODUCE?!?
We must RISE UP, fellow mothers and fathers, and TAKE BACK WHAT IS OURS!