Trevor Blankenship, a fourteen-year-old boy from the year 2000, recently traveled through time to 2019, hoping to get an exciting glimpse of his future. What he saw disturbed him.
“I just saw this tired-looking guy playing video games for hours just like I do. Boooring! And apparently hoverboards are a thing and adult me doesn’t even have one!” he exclaimed.
Trevor grew up in a suburb outside of Minneapolis, but at 33 in 2019, he lives in Brooklyn, NY.
“At first I was, like, why isn’t he on dates? But then this really pretty lady came in, so it seemed like he had a GF? She was pretty hot —like with two ’t’s — but adult me was only like ‘hey,’ like, kinda like how I ignore mom when she comes to say goodnight? Way weird,” he said.
Age 14 Trevor blushed when detailing a moment the two adults then shared.
“So this hot lady comes over to him and kisses him. And I mean, she wasn’t even weird or shy about it, she just like, wanted to kiss him — me! She wanted to kiss future me!”
Trevor at fourteen in the year 2000 reportedly has not yet had his first kiss.
He continued, “Old man me kinda kissed her back, but then he went right back to the game like it was nothing! I don’t get it! I mean the graphics looked pretty awesome, but still!”
Trevor says his 2018 self eventually paused the game to make and eat dinner with the woman.
“That part was pretty boring. They kept talking about how that rich character from Home Alone 2 was president? They seemed mad about it, but I feel like that could be cool?” he shrugged.
Trevor’s bewilderment escalated after the 2019 couple finished dinner.
He recalled, “So like, the lady sits next to old me on the couch and kisses future me like — probably with tongue? It gave me a boner. Me-me, not 2019 me …Is it gay that I got a boner from seeing myself get kissed? I’m not gay,” young Trevor insisted.
“The craziest part was — future me DIDN’T get a boner! He was just like, ‘sorry, I’m kinda tired. Is it cool if I just keep playing my game?’ and I was like WUT?! I mean, she has BOOBS!”
The rules of time travel didn’t allow teenage Trevor to interact with or be seen by those in the future, but that isn’t stopping him from trying to change his fate.
“Seeing my future really freaked me out,” said teenage Trevor. “I just don’t get how I could EVER turn down making out, or even, ya know, DOING IT? Like, that’s so gay and retarded,” he continued, without any awareness that both of those terms were no longer seen as ‘cool’ slang, but as the offensive misappropriations they really always were.
Teen Trevor resolved to change his priorities, stating, “When I grow up, I swear I will never choose video games over a girl. Also, I’m getting a hoverboard the second they come out!”
UPDATE: It has since been reported that Trevor Blankenship suffered severe burns from a hoverboard that caught fire in 2014 and has since spent much of his time playing video games. His sex drive began to suffer during his recovery period, despite having a loving partner who matches Trevor’s description in this report of “ha[ving] ‘boobs’.”