Chicago: Our Divvy bike program is the fastest way to get around the city during the five weeks it’s warm enough to be outside. The name Divvy is our playful take on the idea of sharing. Isn’t that great? And, although Divvy bikes are mostly unusable in the anxiety-inducing, traffic hellscape that is Chicago, European tourists will find them quaint.
San Francisco: Sponsored by the Ford Motor Company, GoBikes distinguish themselves with their attractive exterior and come standard with a roof rack, allowing you to pack your gear and take the show on the road. There’s also plenty of space in the cabin which can be configured for your modern lifestyle. The kids, the dog, and the camping gear will all have room inside the GoBike’s spacious interior. And, if it’s brawn you are looking for, GoBikes boast a powerful 3.5L EcoBoost, 375 horsepower, V6 engine capable of going from 0 to 60 in under eight seconds at an environmentally-friendly 3 miles-per-gallon (combined city/ highway) with up to 470 lb.-ft of torque. GoBikes, BUILT FORD TOUGH!
New York: Citi Bikes combine the best parts of bicycling and big banks. Sure, we’re one of the most expensive bike share programs around, but by charging a little extra we’re able to pay our CEO enough to inspire our low-level employees to work harder. And — since we’re a monopoly — you won’t have to worry your pretty little head about what bike share program to choose. Citi Bike docking stations are conveniently located wherever there’s a Rite-Aid, which is everywhere. Just find a bike, pay the low, single-ride fee of $3 (plus a $5 out-of- network fee, $3 maintenance fee, $2 for overdraft insurance, a $6 account closing fee, and a $3 early withdrawal penalty) and you’re on your way!
Boston: Bluebikes are blue…just like New York’s Citi Bikes. Beyond that, New York can suck it. Ever heard of the American Revolution? Yeah, that was us. Ever tried Manhattan-style clam chowder? It’s great if you like boiling hot chalk. Hey, quick question. Where’s Donald Trump from? Oh, he’s from New York? Nuff said. Go Sox! Go Pats! Go Bruins! Go Celtics! Yankees suck!
Portland: We love our Biketown bikes here in Portland. They’re the best way to get around the city — I mean, our new scooter programs are pretty good too — I don’t want to offend the scooter programs or the other bike programs or skateboards for that matter — everything is great here. Biketown bikes are sponsored by Nike. We’re not really sure if you pronounce the Bike part of Biketown like bike or like Nike. Come to think of it, should we pronounce Nike like we pronounce bike? Give us a second. We’ll be right back.
Seattle: Hahahahahahaha. Did Portland tell you about their bike program? That’s rich! I bet they knit their own bikes. Or they tie penny farthings together and make quirky, eccentric, “We’re best friends with our parents” bikes. Portland is so stupid. How stupid are they? They think a bike share is Sonny Bono’s ex-wife on two wheels. Seriously, Portland is the worst.
Portland: Hey, it’s Portland again. We got together and decided that you should pronounce the Bike in Biketown like you normally pronounce bike, not like you pronounce Nike. Well, not everyone decided that. Some of us liked the unconventional pronunciation. We like to keep Portland weird, just like Austin, TX from whom we stole that catchphrase. We also forgot to mention we have a cool service where you can get piggy-back rides around the city. It’s called PigEase. There’s an app and everything. Wait, Seattle said what?!
Cleveland: Can’t you just steal a bike like everyone else?