EXT – MEDIEVAL BATTLEFIELD – DUSK
Medieval European warriors fight against Arab invaders. In the distance, DRACULA appears on horseback. He is followed by a mounted regiment. They charge and crash into the front lines.
ARAB INVADER (with fear in his eyes): Dracula!
Other invaders hear the frightful name, drop their weapons, and flee. The European warriors raise their swords, and their voices, in celebration.
NARRATOR (v.o.): In 1462, Vlad Dracula protected Europe from the invading Muslim hordes. Now he is ‘born again’ as an American to protect our borders.
EXT – A PEACEFUL, RURAL HOMESTEAD – DAY
From a hill, Dracula looks down on the pastoral scene. A woman in a gingham dress exits the house.
GINGHAM WOMAN (loud but friendly): Billy! You come in and get washed up. It’s nearly time for church!
The wind catches Dracula’s cape, revealing the interior lining: an American flag.
DRACULA (v.o.): I’m Vlad Dracula and I approve this message.
Vote for Victory
Vote for Values
Vote for Vlad
INT – MEETING ROOM – DAY
Eight congress members sit around a large conference table. Frankenstein’s Monster sits at the head.
CONGRESSMAN 1: Sir, our constituents are demanding lower prescription drug prices. We need to put a cap on pharmaceutical profits.
THE MONSTER (slamming his fists on the table): Aaaaaargh!
Congressman 1 closes his folder, and mouth.
CONGRESSWOMAN 1: Sir, please, we need a solution to gun violence. Can we at least talk about banning high-powered, semi-automatic rifles?
THE MONSTER (stands and shatters his chair against a wall): Aaaaaargh!
Congresswoman 1 shuts her laptop and crosses her arms.
CONGRESSMAN 2: Sir, this is serious. Can you please sit down and talk about your inhumane immigration policy?
THE MONSTER (picks up the end of the table, papers and laptops slide off. With a powerful toss, the table smashes against the wall): Aaaaaargh!
INT – MEETING ROOM – DAY
The room is now in complete disarray. The Monster stands over the cowering members of Congress.
NARRATOR (v.o.): This November, let’s send someone to the White House who won’t negotiate away our values. Let’s send someone who can fight for tradition. Let’s send them a Monster.
The Monster 2020
The Invisible Man
INT – AN OPULENT EUROPEAN RESTAURANT – NIGHT
A group of formally dressed men and women sit around a large dinner table. Many of the guests have flag pins on their lapels. Most western European countries are represented.
FRANCE (in conversation with GERMANY): Ok, so we send the Brie and Roquefort to you, and we send zee Americans cheese from ze rat. Zey will never notice. Even French rats cheese is better dan zat plastic zey eat on zeir soft bread.
GERMANY: Ziss ist true. We have been selling them blood sausage for years and they haven’t realized it is blood from spiders. Zey call it Authentic German Bratwurst and it sells like crazy at their baseball games.
FRANCE: Stupid Americans and zeir baseball. Of course zey would invent game you could play obese and drunk on watery beer.
The Europeans laugh. Behind the table, a heavy candlestick levitates as if by magic. It floats toward the table, stops, raises in the air, and tilts back, behaving as if it’s a baseball bat acting of its own accord. It starts to swing forward.
NARRATOR: For too long our so-called allies have cut deals behind our backs and took us for fools. It’s time we send a diplomat who can discover their treachery. And punish it accordingly. They’ll learn soon enough that the invisible hand of capitalism hits back.
The Invisible Man
In 2020 They Won’t See Us Coming
INT – CONGRESSIONAL COMMITTEE MEETING ROOM – DAY
Committee members sit at their chairs, many of which are empty. Those who are there look bored. The ZOMBIE’S expressionless face is not out of place at such a meeting.
CONGRESSMAN: I agree that we need to do more to protect animals from cruel treatment and our environment from the damaging effects of factory farms. If there are no further comments, I move we vote.
CONGRESSMAN: You mean expert testimony? I don’t think that’s necessary. The facts are clear enough. Animals are suffering.
ZOMBIE (more aggressive): Brains!
CONGRESSMAN: Fine, we can delay the vote and try to bring in Peter Singer.
The Zombie gets up, grabs the Congressman.
CONGRESSMAN: What are you doing? Singer is the foremost authority. He wrote Animal Liberation for Christ’s sake!
They fall out of sight. We hear a satisfying crunch.
INT – DAIRY FARM – DAY
A Farm hand brushes a cow, another hand gently leads a different cow into a barn. Everything is clean. Everyone — including the cows as far as we can tell — is happy.
NARRATOR: Our communities need support in Washington. This November, vote for someone who wants brains to work for you, not against you.
He might be rotting, but we all know it’s Washington that’s rotten.